A therapist told me to write down what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I'm incredibly numb. The truth is I'm absolutely paralized by fear. I can't seam to do anything at all. And all I want to do is fling myself from somewhere everyone can see me. Have everyone either catch me, or be forced to recon with the idea that their inaction lead to my pain. I want to be caugh, to be rescued.

But the truth is that the only person to rescue me will be myself.

And I just can't seam to.

I spend most days wishing I could just lift the giant imperceptible blanket of worry that has me so very stuck and DO ANYTHING. I usually succceed for about an hour of the twelve I spend trying. But I never do any of the things that are supposed to make my life better in my own head. The story I write for myself is that even if I do them their wont be any one who recieves me. No one will buy my art. No one will watch a video with me in it. It's not that no one cares. Its that I feel so very invisible. Like no one can see me.

So why bother trying to mime? Why jump and rant and make a fuss? Why work, when it wont make a difference anyway?