Right now Caity is asleep in bed while I try and work up the motivation and inspiration to paint. I know I need to just start painting something, but it's always my least favorite part of painting. And it always scares me motivation-less. I'm so used to feeling betrayed by Caity not being a serious adult (staying home from work, buying shit she doesn't need...) that it's weird to be capable of being supportive of her needs. Right now that is her need for a little personal time to figure shit out, and I'm strangely happy for her to take it. But I have so much restless energy in my own life that I find myself trying to pin to her. I just want her to be moving at full sprint because I want to feel safe. I haven't felt and real stability in a while and it makes me want to act. But I understand the need to really process and make decisions that are truly congruent with authenticity. And I really want to be able to find stability together. So I am working hard to just be a cheerleader in Caity's life. Which is scary, and kind of nice.

Right now she is thinking of dropping work all-together to just focus on school. To potentially take out student loans to cover living expenses for the both of us and just throw herself into school. It sounds wonderful in theory, and I think she could do phenominally. But I worry. I worry most about her follow through, she has a tendency to change venue every time things are uncomfortable, and loans aren't really the kind of thing I want to add to that kind of personality. Especially because school has an unfomfortable period every semester. It's hard because I feel obligated to go find a good paying job so I can support her through school. Thats not who we are as a couple though. If she makes it all the way through school with internships and extracurriculars and everything she is capable of it will be totally worth the loans. It will be totally worth everything. But I don't know if any of what she is doing is authentic to her, or just trying to please the rest of us.

I find myself more and more aware of how shameful my existence has become. I don't add to other peoples lives and I don't have value in a community. I want to change the world, but I'm not really even a part of it any more. And it all seams to come down to my aversion for money. I detest the idea of debt, and I detest the idea of trading my time for money. If robots ever make it to the mainstream workforce there will be a lot of unemployed fools. I believe I have more value, that I'm better than the "fools" but I dont even add as much value to the community as they do. I'm not involved in a cause. I'm not working towards anything. And it makes me wish I weren't such a hollow fool. With that thought, I need to try and paint. I owe it to Caity. I owe it to myself.