June 14 I spent the morning at driver’s ed. being bored out of my mind. When that finally got out I wandered around with Adam and then got on the bus and he followed me home. We got locked out but not for too long. When we got inside my mom had to stick around forever. When she finally left I called Scott and he was like “come down.” Randomly in the middle of the phone call these little kids show up on our doorstep selling cool-aid. It was kinda expensive but I had to support the cause. To simplify and or expand the last statement cool-aid selling is a very time tested cycle. It’s somewhat like parenting. You go and sell cool-aid and get money and then as you grow up you buy cool aid and they get money. Then they grow up and buy cool-aid. And so on. Anyways, so mike came and picked us up (after we got our cool-aid) and we went to Scott’s and played halo. Then Tess called and wanted to come over. She did and we watched the day after tomorrow. I have never seen anything so realistic (sarcasm). I cuddled with Kat most of the time. Mmmmmm. Mike and Adam were jealous. Tess had to leave so when the movie got over we went back to playing halo. Tess came back and had to just sit there. I felt bad for the girls but they seemed okay. Then they played Mario kart, I was content to just watch. I got bored and tired and retrospectively deserted. Then we decided to watch another movie. Scott thought gothika was a good choice. Meh whatever. I used my good teacher’s quorum “this is fun” skills. Katherine and I took Scott and Tess’s seat and they took ours. Midway through the intro Kat decided she wanted a blanket. So when we finally get comfortable under the blanket and get settled down and I start to go into “C.J. fix mode” the doorbell rings and it’s my mom. I was SO not happy. We got home and I went and lifted ‘til I was good and tired and went to bed. He he Adam thinks it insane that I have some muscle I would too if I weren’t always so pissed at the world. Mmmm every time I smell French vanilla I will be happy now. June 15 I went to D.E. again. It was boring. We learned about street signs and the parts of a car. I so wanted to see Kat, now I am not so sure. I was in a good mood now I feel exploited. I am trying to stay somewhat positive. But all I feel is impecuniousness. My dereliction is pointless, but unavoidable. Wow, big words are so cool. I don’t know how credible the source of my depression is. But do I know the feeling? Have I taken that road and broken my own feeble soul once before? Should I press on, or back off? Give up or keep going? What is this flamboyant perplexity? What began as conflagration, is now such an ornate labyrinth of delusion and verisimilitude that I cannot contemplate but on this subject, and in doing so I only tear myself apart. Am I being manipulated? Am I that vapid? I wish I knew the answers to “all these complicated questions.” they aren’t really. I just don’t know how to discern truth from lies. I have to work on my eagle. Bleh I hate scouts. It should burn and rot. Scott needs to get chronicles of riddick. I need to get a life. And some major happy pills or something. I suddenly don’t really care whether I live or die. It doesn’t really matter. Whether I die tomorrow or never its all the same. I am vapid. My life hasn’t and wont change the outcome of a single persons life. Were I never born it would not matter. I now know that whatever happens it is for the better. But something needs to happen. I seem to be slipping back into depression and old habits wont get me out. I know better than to kill myself physically but every time I get depressed I seem only to die mentally. Sure I think more but what good are thoughts. I have spent three hours on the net without talking to a soul. And three hours on a chair feeling like it was the end. Oh that it were and I didn’t have to try to sort myself out and pull myself back into happy land by the boot laces. Then again why try to sort it out. When I never do anyways. It simply sorts itself out. Why is it that the simple things like door to door cool-aid make you happy, but women (who are so much more fun and interesting and there are infinitely more of them than flavors of cool-aid) cannot but when they are around or your talking to one. Anyways no more depressed ramblings. ---------------------------------------- edit I take that back the smell of Kat makes me happy, I just have to not think about anything else that comes with that.