I know, I know, I have a story to continue. I really really dont feel like it right now. In fact, despite habits I have become quite comfortable with, (which I now feel inclined to break) I am going to write recent events in a normal, and possibly even reasonable format. Provided I will likely later fall into old habits which may or may not involve rhyme and/or purposeful alliteration. So, to explain, in some detail events of previous months and leading up to tonight. Most of which deal with (what else) but girls. Once upon a time, in a little place called myspace, a girl sent me a message that went something like this (with a little more taste than I cleverly and ingeniously recreate it with). "Hi my name is bonnie, I am a desperate, degenerate, self-esteem-less, little girl who wants to be victimized. Oh yeah and I think your cute. we should meet" And after a small amount of looking to see that it was indeed NOT spam, I agreed to meet her. We made out, she needed practice, I expected to get rid of her without problems. meanwhile, back on planet earth, I was going to school, where I met a girl on a bus. This girl incidently made my heart do the cha cha and my spine jiggle like an electrified snake. After several encounters I (being incredibly brave and charming) got her number. Which in all reality came because one day while hopped up on cough medicine (for completely legitimate reasons[I had a cough]) told her her smile was contagious. Which is ironic because so are coughs. But that has nothing to do with the story. She in turn figured out what car I drove and left a note with her number. Yay me, we went out, we held hands, I staired deeply into her eyes, and we didn't see each other for a month. So time passed, she said she was "busy" I asked if she wanted to see me any more, she didn't give me an answer. I decided I knew what that meant, but being stubborn, would continue to act stupid and see how long it would take for her to actually say anything. I decided to get over her, and felt all hurt and (at least I thought) moved on. I even found the perfect rebound girl... enter bonnie! Only I have no respect for bonnie. She's not cute, not even a little. She doesn't have any great talent, she's not going anywhere in life. So what did she do for me. She bought me jones soda, and she made mad passionate hot love. Which is bad because when it comes to lovin, I have a great imagination, but very few good reservations. needless to say, I've been a better person, there was no poking involved(your turn to use the imagination). So I finally start talking to girl of the bus again, and being my evil self, she says she has a boyfriend, I passive aggressively insult her for a while than ask what she is doing. This question being on a friday while I am home alone needing something to do. She says "I'm going to a salsa party" I say "fun" she says "you should come" I say "you will have to teach me to salsa" she says "I dont know how" I say "so you need moral support then?" she says "we should be friends." Now I dont know if there is a natural time to say that phrase but that certainly wasn't it. But if it had been, would it have hurt less? And why does it hurt so bad? I mean, I had figured she could be that relationship that isn't based on, or about action at all. I respected her, but I thought I was over her. How is it that having that little inkling of hope, that maybe she really was busy and would tell me if she didn't want to see me, broken, can feel so much more terrible than anything else I've done or said in the last ten months(now if that wasn't a run on sentence...). I went to her salsa party, I met people, I danced the salsa(and the meringue, and the mambo, and... uggh)and I felt awful. I still feel awful. I am trying to cheer myself up (with these cleverly placed additives) and I just hurt. and I want to know why? and how long do I have to hurt? how long before the next little inkling of hope comes along, or are things going to get worse? will I lose another little inkling of hope? could I handle it? and maybe all these questions are an answer as to why it hurts. This pain is like losing a loved one, its part of walking along the unknown. Its part of losing something you had counted on, and not knowing where to turn. maybe thats it. That doesn't make me feel any better though. I hurt, somewhere between my head and my heart. and it aches like my body is breaking apart. So lets pretend that we are what we're not. and forget all the troubles we've got. lets pretend, so I can see me smile. lets pretend, maybe be happy awhile. any words of comfort? time will tell...