The same depressing thoughts have scourged my happiness for the last week. Why am I never excited and why am I still vl? I dont know that either question really needs answered and they are certainly immature and out of place but they are all I seem to care about. And I hate to think that my life will always be plagued with stupid questions and riddles exactly like these. I dont see how humans can stand to never lose hope. Always we drive on striving for the future somehow regurgatating the ever popular cliche "it will be better." how the hell is it supposed to get better until you learn to like what the hell you've got. sorry I am kinda mood spaztic. I'm on alot of cold medicines. And somehow I can't seem to be ever happy or really ever super sad. although I do tend to be able to go to either end alittle more. Was I ever happy. Why can I only remember the sad and the bad? It's strange, when I met the singer of the format my sisters were totally stoked but to me he was just a guy. In fact he was just a guy looking to get layed before his next gig in a place he figured didn't have much in the name of experience. When the band one second in battle of the bands I was glad but I wasn't stoked. have I become so incredibly numb to my surroundings in order to survive or has something else destroyed my sense of extasy. the only time I can remember being excited is christmas. Its so much so my fingers tingle and I cant sleep. Oh and steps up on the road to getting action. speeking of which I cant help but seem to be reminded of the last step and how close and yet how far away I was from reality. When my next "fun time" will be I dont know, but I cant help but hope it will come soon. I cant help but feel hopeless and alone. Like I was ment to be that way... things seem so out of place. old habits return and time passes but for some reason I am always desperate and depressed. I look to the future too much. not to the presant. And in truth I think I always will. I know that will be what holds me and many others back. I know that my success is ridden on whether or not I can become a go getter. but somehow I dont care. "maybe later" "maybe later" "maybe later" maybe. never. and I am alone still.