Last night I couldn't sleep. It may have been some wonderful combination of twelve hours of sleep a day (it's spring break) and a little bit of caffeine, but not sleeping means relying on my conscious desires to guide me. I prefer to assume that fate or deity or some outside source has a unique place for guidance in my dreams and that there is more vision in my dreams than in my waking thoughts, and I missed my dreams last night.

More importantly however, I came to a realization. All I could do in bed was think about how hungry I was or how badly I wanted sex. All I could think about was my lust, my yearning and my degraded appreciation of the human form and its godlike passions. I stayed up until 5:30 and I couldn't erase that yearning from my mind. It bothered me in a way. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE SEX, but I worry that I am irrepairably damaged by my youth. I worry that all I dream about is sex, and it will be the only semi-satisfying pleasure I can afford in life.

I worry that I will always feel that lust, and never have a reasonable outlet for the explosive force that is the depth of my human passion. I don't know if I have too many expectations, or too few satisfactions, but I don't want to always dream more pleasantly than I live.

I know its a strange thing to worry about, but the only thing that seams to guide my future desires is sex. I don't care about my career, my future, my homelife, even my own health, more than to be responsible, but I yearn for sex, for raw human form. I sat and wondered what this means, and if its "just a stage" in human development, or if I'm not getting enough, or if I really am just stuck in an abusee's cycle.

I don't know that I mind being sex-crazed, I think a rediculously healthy sex life is something anybody should be able to achieve and enjoy, but what about the other facets of my life that used to be important. Why is it that all my old joys have been lost and sex is so much more important now. Why am I so lusty, and is it a bad thing?

I guess the solution lies in understanding, and understanding lies in patient, contemplation. But if I were to surmise an antedote for life, based on my lusty, human desires, than making dreams a reality within the constraints of reasonability is the only path to happiness.