Today I have a simple dream.

I dream to be free. I feel caged in a world of constant obligation, and I am so enraptured by the thought of placing it all behind me somehow. I watched a biography on a man who left his wife for another mans wife and was completely happy. I was supremely envious and I hated him for being succesful and happy and carefree. I was so jealous of his freedom. And then his not wife's maid's husband lit the house on fire and chopped everyone to pieces (yeah, it shocked me too).

I feel like no matter how far I run, or how hard I fight, some power in the universe is out to make me miserable. And the more I think about that power, the more I feel like the only place I will find to confront it, is in the mirror.

I think I am beginning to understand that what holds me back, what keeps me down, is my desire to move forward. That's how it's always been. I know that sounds wierd, but as soon as I start to care about something, it starts to fail. If I'm all nonchalant however, it succeeds beyond anybody's expectations.

The problem with all of this, is of course that I do care. I care how I get to spend the rest of my life. I care where I go and what I do. I care how my wife feels, and while that seems to be takin less of a precedant than my own feelings, I can't be free because I care. I care what my career is, and where I live. I care about my free time, and how much I have to do in a day.

I miss my carefree life. I miss my brother's carefree life. Maybe it's time I grew down. Maybe it's time I behaved like a child, and not like a responsible husband and father figury thing. Because I'm tired, and I want to be free. Because children still believe in freedom, and live in it.

Yes, thats what I'll do, I'll grow down...

Now then, how does one grow down?