This is the second time in a week I'm posting. And it might be a healthy regular thing. Things have calmed down a little. I still feel very overwhelmed, but writing helped me to realize that playing the marter wasn't helping anyone. I talked to my wife, and after she and her friend had an exceptionally inapropriate couch match (use your imagination, it's not the point here anyway) I had a sit down and came to an arrangement with the wifey.

I had a threesome tonight. It wasn't particularly magical, though everyone else said it was. I suspect it was just the new experience. All in all I was just glad to be included.

It's all a little tenuous. I feel as if I trust no one completely. I feel like I'm dancing on a spider web and one wrong move and I could be very, very trapped. But it's relieving to be honest with someone. Now I can go back to using sitdiary to sort things out, rather than cry for help.

Caity and I decided to put each other first, but whatever comes second is fair game. I'm not worrying about labels. But at least I feel I can hold caity to an arrangement of some kind. We never really had vows in our marriage, and when you no longer place any faith in the religion that binds you to another person, it can be hard to determine where to draw a line. Now I feel like I can hold caity to being mine. Not in a "I own you" kind of way. Freedom of choice is far too important to me for that. But in a "you love me, and this hurts me" kind of way. It's like I finally have some sort of control over how she treats me, and that makes me far more comfortable with giving her freedom.

Truthfully the way she treats me hasn't changed much yet. I'm not sure I fully understand love, but she's always wanted me to spell out EXACTLY how she is supposed to be a good wife. I always felt that love wasn't about doing what you were told, but about being a version of yourself who's goal was to better the other person. And being told what to do to love is about like masterbation; it meets your needs, but there's never any surprise.

In love you give of yourself.

and in real love you give of yourself with the hope that they hear and feel what you are trying to say. I hope very much that someday she understands that. That is the criteria by which I judge love, and if she can't figure that out someday I will run out of love.

Back in the real world things are very intrigue-filled. I will try to be objective, but my hunches have been very accurate as of late. And my hunch with Valerie is that I can't trust her. Objectively, I know only a little. She is cheating on her boyfriend, lying constantly about where she was to him. Making excuses to not be with him and bad mouthing him behind his back. She has told caity that she would have a relationship with her and keep it from me. She has told me she would have a relationship with me and keep it from caity. She does not socially yawn. When I confronted her (in jest) about a secret she didn't know I knew, she was an excellent liar. She cheats in games and winning is a big deal.

All that being said I'm not quite sure what it means. I worry that she will teach caity to keep secrets. To lie and manipulate. And team Craity already has one too many liars who manipulate people. I worry that a person like that has no regard for others, and that she will in some very crucial way destroy the life I live. I don't know what that destruction looks like, and it haunts me a little. I'm drawing up a battle plan, and trying to decide if I really should be going to battle. On the one hand, Valerie has so much to offer in the realms of sexual exploration. And she is a talented lover. On the other, everything is a competition and I don't think she is afraid of murder for victory.

I guess at this point I should be analizing what victory means to her. And that will decide whether or not she is truly a threat to Caity or I. Right now it is clear that she wants sex, and most obviously with Caity. And right now it looks like Caity is standing up for folding me into that relationship rather than letting me go. I suppose I owe her some serious gratitude for that. And I suppose that shows she does love me, even if I'm a paranoid and manipulative fool. I guess right now all I can do is analize behavior, and look for motive. I suppose that's enough for tonight.