Yesterday was a sad hungover kind of day. Without any kind of consideration for the days around it, it was a good day. I slept until well past noon. I spent the day with friends. But when yesterday bothers to consider its place in the universe, as with all existential wandering, it feels a lot less good. Caity decided it was time to be complete with Val and get honest. It was a long sit on our rediculously comfy couches. And while I felt no remorse for feelings lost or gained, I felt like it was the end of something.

I have been trying to be less manipulative. For the most part that just means I try not to take control of things. It makes me feel very vulnerable. Vulnerable is usually good. But I felt like I had no place yesterday. I felt completely and utterly unnecessary. After Caity and Val talked for a while, and then Val stopped talking, I felt it was time to occupy myself. I ended up at another house, where things were completly relaxed. It felt safe, and simple. Good friends, good movies, and good salsa can make life seam a lot easier.

I came home too late to talk to Caity alone. She had gone to bed. So this morning I only got bits and pieces of what she and Val talked about. I caught that Val had confessed having feelings for her. And my jealous possesive nature is very angry about that. That alone makes me feel somehow like I need to cut a bitch. Like I need to take action to protect my happiness. But I'm trying to not be manipulative, or neurotic. And loving someone means not being possessive. So as much as I want to shank someone, I think its probably wiser to let things play out for a minute. And maybe I end up alone at the end of all this.

For the record, I'm not angry that Val has feelings. Feelings are good, and a little bit beautiful. I'm angry because I can't trust that those feelings are real. I can't trust that it's not just a ploy to be liked. I feel like its some kind of manipulative play to get what Val wants. And that makes me feel most threatened. I want to be loved and wanted, and I want to put work in to that. But I've been working so hard for that for six years by being manipulating, and always feeling empty. And when I'm not being all manipulating, I play the marter. I'm trying not to repeat those mistakes anymore. But I'm not sure what option C looks like. I have shank a bitch as option one, and leave it all to Caity and then blame her for whatever unhappiness ensues as option two. It's an excellent way to illustrate my manipulative nature. I suppose I'll come back to what option C looks like.

I also feel like Caity might be done with me. Its not an overwhelming feeling. It is one I have felt almost the full six years we've been married. It's in the little things. She doesn't ever seem to follow through on her promises. And maybe thats just a fluke, but it shows me in little ways what she is actually thinking about. She promises to clean up after herself and then watches netflix all night instead. There is a trail of junk that follows her around the entire house. She isn't vulnerable with me. She never iniciates intimacy. How does that mean she's done? It doesn't. But it does show that she is trying to escape her current life. And she is probably afraid of me.

I should probably stop reading into things. I should probably grow a pair, take care of my own life (which I've never done even passibly), and let other people decide the shape of their own lives. I dreamed last night that I went on a study abroad with my friend Charles. It was a totally spur of the moment thing and I knew I was forgetting things. But I bought my plane ticket and ran to catch up with the group, and flew away knowing most of it I could just buy later (even though I forgot a bunch of cash in my parents armoire). I've always asked myself if I were not married what would I be doing. Right now, I would be flying to Europe. I would be working on my art. I would be living in a small modern house near the ocean. Instead, I'm cleaning up Caity's dishes. I'm both happy and sad about this. It's nice to feel wanted. It's nice to feel like all of that time I didn't spend on my own life has a point. But good fuck my life is a mess.

I feel like I am constantly working to get what I want and still keep Caity and I together. Right now I want to tear at the cracks of my relationship with her. I want to run away and no longer be vulnerable. And then I want Caity to pull some kind of miracle and fix it all. I don't know what the best option is, but I can tell it is me not running anywhere. If things are going to work the way I want them to, I must be an active participant. It doesn't matter if that means continuing the exhausting work of living where I am. For now, that will be option C. From moment to moment, live as the person you want to be. Don't run. Don't shank a bitch. Just ask for what you want.