I dreamed I was skiing down a man made mountain. It was gentler than it looked but still very steep. from the highest point on the mountain to about halfway down the mountain was reasonable, but then it came to a cliff very similar to a wide snowy version of one of those big slides at a water park. there was a basin at the bottom of that and a similar cliff on the other side of the basin.

I skidded tentatively down and then plunged off the cliff across the basin and up the other cliff a small way to perform a flip. It was cool. Everyone was impressed.

I don't remember how I ended up there but I ended up with Josie Olsen. We stayed together a while and then began to get touchy. At first it was like a forbidden touch that we both avoided. But as it continued we both gave in and I somehow ended up being carried like a child, nestled in her arms. I felt so good there, I couldn't leave.

I woke up near there, and all I could do is go back to sleep, go back to that feeling of safety. I wish I had that somewhere.

Now that I am fully conscious and have walked through my past with Josie enough to remember why I never dated her, I am severely depressed. I know I am where I am on purpose. While I want to say "if only," and give every excuse to be unhappy, I need to make the best of now. I know why I was so happy with Josie in my dream, she always seems so in control. She is perfectly tempered and lady-like and has none of the damaged childhood and emotional baggage Caity has. I remember when we were dating, it seemed like Caity had that. Instead this morning I woke up depressed, and pulled myself into the kitchen to have her yelling about needing to go into work.

Every day is a battle with Caity. Every day I have to be the motivator for her to master herself. I am tired of being the master. I married her so we could help each other through problems, not so I could consistently be her better father. I am tired. I want to dream good dreams. I am weary and I find no rest in sleep or waking. But I want my wife to be in control, so while I am wailing and depressed on the inside, I will take courage from the knowledge that I can be the master of myself. I will become the best of me, and hide away this pain. I will triumph over sorrow, I will turn away myself and become husband first. Because that is what I want of her, that is how I wish everyone were.

If you see me somewhere, standing tall and proud and smiling , on the inside I still just need a friend, and a hug. But for the benefit of everyone I love, I am my best me, and if you need me I am there.

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."

~Thomas. S. Monson