Is there any purpose in trying to care? Every time I do I got shot down. Must I always be so very nonchalant to get anywhere? Every time I think that maybe everything is getting better I end up looking at something some way that screws me up. Or someone else does the same back to me. Or both. I can’t be a depressed loser like I wanna be or certain people get pissed off at me for being no fun. And they cant be a depressed loser either because that’s my job. Actually if I were a depressed loser all the time I probably would be a depressed loser for a very short time. Why do humans need so bad to live? Lemmings don’t need to. Is there such fear of death that we prolong death only to find out that in doing so we are far more miserable then when we finally pass on? How can we figure that death is so bad? Is it such fear of the unknown that we risk intoxicating ourselves with the just as experimental? Why does everybody have to be so selfish? Are we so in need of pleasure that when we receive it we want it only for ourselves? What is it that drives man instinctively to want only for themselves what by giving they would receive far more satisfaction for? Is it so necessary to have money and power that we poison and destroy each other? Must we quell the forces of the whole earth in order to find beatitude? In video prod today I went for Steph’s computers power cable. She freaked and stabbed me with a pencil. So then, still wanting to piss her off more, I tried to write “Hi Steph” in blood on whatever she was working on. But she wouldn’t let me. So Scott and I flicked rubber bands at her ‘til class ended. Then I went to math and made a “bloody L” all over my desk. Mwa ha ha ha. Math was boring so I wrote this. I was bored! Its that time again, school bells cease to ring, Mice traverse new fields, and what they find amidst the corn stocks man can never dream. For what men really think, and what men really know, maybe so very different, that mice may ever go. For in the newer field, amidst the newer corn, the sheltered mice will always find themselves forlorn. The hawk will never find them, the man will not as well, and who can argue with such luck as not to lose your tail. Oh that man were as smart, as mice amidst the corn, for amidst the man I only wish to be like mice, forlorn They steal and hate and war, are selfish and rude and cruel, oh that I was a mouse and did not live this rule. That I was like a mouse, and not a selfish soul, that life were half as simple as the mouse inside his hole. Chemistry was ok. Midway through I got some thing that said, “Go to the student center” so I did this acid and base lab and then went to the student center. They had me take this really hilariously lame test on “comparing person A to person B. Is person B very interested, interested, a little bit interested, or not at all interested in what person A is talking about. Mark an “X” in the corresponding box in the answer section.” It took me longer to figure out what year I graduated from elementary school than to take the test. I went to lunch not really expecting to see Scott but hoping (bad idea). Then I went with Adam to seminary (YAY[not]). It was a good lesson, but I didn’t really care. It was on “holding the line”. I was bored2death. I went to English and pulled out my stuff to doodle and misses “f*hell*er” was like “put that away”. So I did but I got out my pens and started drawing satanic pictures on myself. So she came over and was like “I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t draw on yourself, and please put that away too.” So I spent the class period in boredom. I got out of class and went to meet Scott who said Tess was there to take us home. I would have been very grateful to see him had he not been so dissimulated and un-appreciative to see me. He was (for him) cussing up a storm too. I don’t mind swearing but first, Scott is better than that, second, swearing only shows stupidity and a small dialect unless you have injured something (emotionally included), and third, Scott ought to be smart at something besides computers and skating. Honestly its not that hard to pull a passing grade in every class let alone (unless you have Mr. Reynolds) pull a 4.0. I doubt that if you stay anywhere close to Utah that you will have the most menial of success unless it’s self made. And even if you go elsewhere, if you don’t have enough stamina to even try and get passing grades how will your employer believe you can pull it together enough to do anything but manual labor. Anyways there are some of my two bits. I got home and my mom was there (bleh) to take me to the orthodontist (almost as bleh). I was stressed so I went downstairs and lifted almost five reps of 25 at 98 pounds. Then I went and got my teeth all fixed up. I didn’t have a drum lesson. Oh well its better that way today. I had a crazy thought. If god created light, then there is no light in heaven, so then there is no such thing as sight in heaven. And if there is no sight there is likely no sensory activity. So how in the crap are we supposed to do anything up there? We can’t exactly ask our neighbor because they can’t hear us and we can’t see them to know if they are there anyways. Every time I leave my mind un-occupied I start to think about Kat. I wish I wouldn’t because then I want to see her again and then I realize that I can’t and then I get all depressed, especially when Scott is off with his girlfriend and I am sitting in a seminary class trying to focus on the dragon I am drawing and the lesson on keeping my standards. I wish I had a guide to “what to do now”. It would be so much easier to do everything. Not that I would always follow this guide but if I could just know that I was supposed to “turn left after getting out of the car to avoid major dent in forehead” or “she likes to be cuddled, go for it” I would be so much less perplexed. Kat, I love even to be your conflagration, I will live with whatever goes. I would do anything to hold you in my arms again. I hope I get to do something with her this weekend. If not I am gonna be so disheartened. I feel bad that I was so bleh to Scott but I was depressed distraught and thinking about Kat and Scott was off with his girlfriend and that made me so emo. I need more lenient parents. I know they can be way cool but then again I have such an early curfew and they are like “cuddling is of the devil, holding hands is bad”. I hate that. They really ought to get an update on life. And the computer *shakes head and begins mouth to screen resuscitation*. Stupid piece of junk. If they’d let me buy anything better I would so not be stuck writing this thing for so long because I would already have been able to post it. And then it wouldn’t have been almost 1,800 words long. Yes that’s how long this is. I am bored I am gonna write something! Lost in the shadows you wait to be roused by what you know is reality. But it seems so much more like the nightmare. At least in this world you are not alone. The shadows can keep you company. You know the shadows well. They have been your only solace for five long years. You have come to know the meaning of making out with the shadows. The places you’ve been on the long winding steps of this place grow ever more mysterious. The people who once so frightened you, terrified you, seemed like the very giants that would devour you, the strangers, you now know and laugh as others pass by, terrified. What do they fear? You know that these dark places aren’t where you should find peace but where else is their to go. Your only friends have been stripped from you, like rag dolls, by the man. He seemed so friendly at first, as though he would always be there to protect you. As he grew older he asked for your protection, disguising his true intent with words like “honor, bravery, valor,” and many had done as he’d asked. Few have returned the better. What would have seemed like happiness to those ensnared by him is bitter end to all who know better. What would have seemed like protection, power, “the right” now is but a fallen dream of better days. You have made new friends, and one escaped if not the same, far better. But what has happened to you since he left. Many mistakes and habits have risen from his phoeneic ashes. Few that the world need know. Some that need revoking. What would have been such taboo at his parting is now your greatest tie. And as the greatest tie it is also one of your greatest weaknesses. In these shadows the memories of parted angels and torrenting temptresses shake you from your rigid mind. Like sirens they call upon your weaker side. And in waking you find that much of what was, is no longer, yet still you cling to fallen hopes that this is the dream. And in so doing yet another hellish day begins. Sheesh, I am creepy and odd. Someone once told me to just keep writing and see what happens, don’t re-read it. Don’t change anything. Just write. I think that might not be the greatest of ideas, cuz that’s what happens on a normal day. I must have overdosed on depressants as a kid. And that’s what makes me so depressed.