So I bought a queen size bed, moved out, and became even more lazy and useless than I had been at home. Except that no one tells me that I am wasting my life except for me. I have to pay rent at some point and while I have the money I really need to find a job so I can stop feeling like I am having money slowly sucked out of my hands while I live the life all the working people dream about. Somehow I just don't feel right. Part of it is Caity. I am ready to make a decision, until she gets tired or hungry or sick. Until her friends steal her and she becomes shallow. I am ready, until she starts talking about pretty new boys with perfect teeth and even when she says I am better no amount of reassurance can bring back the resolve I lose each time she makes me think that laundry could possibly be a bigger priority. I spent so long preparing myself for hard days alone and never thought I would have so many hard days with someone. Today was pretty lousy to begin with, I woke up because she said she would be at sacrament meeting and I knew I should be there. She left after a few minutes to go to lunch. So I sat and listened to the speakers and felt the spirit alone. It really wasn't a bad meeting. After church I went to my parent's home for some reason I don't know and played a little piano. I made something new today. I may have stolen it but it made me hopeful, and I thought of my future children, and peace and warmth and goodness. Thats what happens in the key of C. I stole some toilet paper, a swig of apple juice, and two candy bars, and came home to free myself of the tie. I laid in bed for a long time and thought. I even created a parable. The simple version goes something like; a father offers his child a gift, providing the child can first meet a single condition of the fathers choosing. The little child, knowing a gift is involved agrees and the father gives his restless, young one several apple seeds, saying, "Make these grow into an apple tree, and you may have your gift." The idea being that it doesn't matter how I get to the apple tree, the point is my father wants me to make his seeds grow, and though that is gift enough, he will grant me my eternal gift if I should succeed. I nearly fell asleep until I chomped down a pop tart and then I decided to take a walk up onto campus. The air was warm and clear and the trees were all in bloom with the littlest blossoms a dark, fuschia, pink, and the full blooms a pure white. They smelled heavenly and made me smile as I walked and listened to random music. In the Fine Art building I found a piano where I messed around with the song I had been playing earlier and enjoyed the deep crispness of the unfamiliar piano. It seemed to respond with a richer clarity and greater stroke than the old piano I am used to. I walked down the music department hallway and smiled as I listened to my IPod. It was strangely poetic to walk down these deserted white hallways with anesthetic lighting and bulletin boards with things like "Found: headphones, if they are yours they are in FA 102." I'm not sure why. I made my way out past the quad and back home where I talked to andy, and then tried to occupy my time in my room for a while. I started to think about food when Caity asked if I wanted pancakes. I wanted pancakes, and I was bored senseless. We ate and then went down stairs to talk because I had a lot to say. But conversation died down and we decided to take a walk. up dry canyon. Dry Canyon caught Caity's breath in her throat and I didn't think to bring water. I felt guilty and worried, but I still don't know why. She said she was fine. We sat on a rock and watched a gorgeous sunset until it started to fade into a consistent orange glow and then headed back to the van. She nibbled on my ear and neck playfully but wouldn't allow me the same pleasure. We went past the temple and stopped to wander around its fence. I wanted to imagine going in but spent much more time battling inner demons and feeling only calm and not peace. Then we went back to her place for Oreos and peanut butter while we watched episodes of friends. I don't know how she will ever survive, whether her dad stops buying treats or not. She finally decided that I should go home and we went up to let me out. She quickly changed a load of laundry while I grabbed my shoes and then she lead me to the door. We used to spend hours at the doorway, but tonight we beat five minutes. I wonder if that's part of what bothers me. Maybe its something about the only times I feel she is in control are the times she is telling me goodbye. I used to think she had such a handle on her life, she had such simple serene grace. Now I wonder if anyone has a handle on life. The other question I have with life is this: Does God want me to think about enjoying my own life, or simply serve others and allow what joy comes to be my present reward? Either way, I will do it, I just want to know what God thinks.