I am your average 16 year old high school student from an average city. as far as average is concerned at least. Logan Ut. isn't exactly the biggest dot on the map. sure it hosts a festering crowd of college students - being a college city - and it has its share of movie theatres and fast food joints, but it remains just another city where people host their anual barbeque in the backyard with their secret recipe where fifteen miles away the same recipe is held with the same secretive hording while neither individual has any knowledge of the others existance or the existance in a dichotomy in the secrecy of their most precious barbeque secret. As is the situation in every town, city, and metropolitan anomaly that boasts a barbequeing tradition of any sort. While I have my strange pretences such as an addiction to the smell of band-aids and an odd desperity complex I cant help but feel there is somewhere out there at least 7 other people are sitting somewhere thinking something that any of the other of us has thought within the past 7 hours. My permanent servitude to a higher patriarchal order and the necessity to slave away in what has been deemed protective custody and bad genetics mixed ends in one year, 7 months, 18 days, 9 hours, 57 minutes, and a few meandering seconds. but I am almost possitive that my servile existance will continue beyond that unremarkable date. my constant need to have someone close to me in which to confide - which by the way has never REALLY happened, and who knows how long it will take to decide to - drives my daily thoughts to a large degree and while I am too bashful to really be made of any good dating material I understand that one of those seven people who think just like me has to be an attractive woman. or at least thats the hope that drives the piteous existance some call my humanity. my childhood while good and bad and traumatic and boring and just like everyone elses childhood in most aspects changed drastically around fifth grade. certain events flipped a rather sheltered view of the world into what a smart pecimist calls realism. in reality its just pecimism and continues to be one of my underlying self changing battles. unfortunately its not top on my priorities and is constantly given to being pushed aside. perhaps being the time of year when those of us people deaming ourselves imperfect should make goals which will keep us occupied for a couple of weeks and allow us to feel vindicated for a minute, I might add it to my list of useless goals. 10:11 I continue to wonder the best way to do everything. I know that some things are just so excellent as to be easy to derive a meaning from and thus its easy to pick a direction. some things require much more thought. I have in such ways been contemplating many things and realized that while hope drives all conscious thought to an un-imaginatively desperate level, the best choice is sometimes not always the best in what most would consider benneficial. my contemplations have been in consideration of two young people whome my daily association constantly places me with and whome I find the enamorous beginnings of contemplation to drive me to decide which deserves the more thought. while one seems perfectly innocent, lively, and slightly mystical, the other has a more realistic quality a much longer history and much greater chance of many different sorts and much greater seductive ability. to add to an already complicated situation however someone I would consider a freind has the same ultimate desire as I with the more realist of the two. and I am left wondering whether I should chase vain hopes with mystery or possibly vain hopes with realism and possibly lose the chance to gain a freind. Its a strange sort of contemplation to be sure but I had better figure it all out or I will be plagued by my inadequacies in what continues to be an illusive filed full of adversary but mostly driven only by my fear.9:43 I understand scott doesn't want me to get hurt and I so badly wish to keep him as my best freind but I cant help but wonder about all the things I would miss if I skipped out on any oppurtunity that heads my way. and to be unobjectionably truethful there arent many floating up the canal I reside in. I know that I might get chewed up and spit out, but Ive already been there and I becaome better for it. I am at desperity factor 6x. and oh what it does. I cant immagine happiness like I used to. is it out there. can there really be perfection? can there really be joy? will I make it out alive? or is this how the story ends, wallowing in the depths?