Its been a nice weekend. Caity and I have started counseling and I feel a little hope that everything will work out the way team Craity dreams. We haven't told Valerie any of our dreams and it makes things really difficult. I always feel like I'm living a lie and it can be hard to differentiate which is truth. Valerie comes over maybe three times every two weeks and spends the night. I never get sleep on those nights and I feel it's murder on my body. I also threw out my back in some way and have been acting something far different from my age. I can feel that Caity is trying to make me happy, and it makes me feel like I'm part of a marriage. I still am not ready to return the favor, for which I feel a little guilty; I just feel so dryed up. But I'm happier in my marriage than I've been in a while and I feel like we can work out the kinks. There are a lot of kinks still.

Caity is in Nashville right now working on training for a new position at work. I'm proud of her. I'm also scared shitless that I am not the kind of hubby that deserves fidelity. That she is going to enjoy herself like a single girl.

Her being away also complicates things at home. We have continued the relationship with Val though it doesn't seem to be helping anything. And now Val wants all my time and attention and I have no desire to give her any(it always feels like wasted time). Today I went to game with friends and she apparently was invited. She was a smart choice for inviting, but she insisted I give her a ride which meant at the end of the night she was hoping for sex. I really don't want to be in a relationship where I have sex when my wife is away. It just isn't who I want to be in my relationship with Caity. I won most of gaming which always makes me feel really good and then decided to call it a night at 9:30. Val asked if I could take her home and I (feeling relieved that she wanted to go to her house) took her. But I realised the moment she lingered in the car she had no interest in going home alone. I told her I had no interest in fucking while Caity was away and she acted like that was the last thing she wanted. I told her I don't want to be alone with her in a private setting while Caity is away and she responded with something to the effect of "how bout we just agree we aren't going to have sex." Two hours later she finally left the car, alone. The story of the two hours is that it felt like she was trying to use every trick in the book to get me to come upstairs with her. And I want to make the decision to end the relationship with Caity. I want to present a unified front. But in those tow hours I had to work so hard to find the ground where my relationship to and with Val was something I was willing to put in enough work to keep. I really wanted to just leave her in that car and start walking home. I wanted to spend the night washing my bedding and cleaning house. Instead I spent that time trying to show a woman I find most a kin to a cancerous snake that I care about her and want her in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm enough of a sex addict that there is a part of me that wants her, but that part is so non-descriminatory that the position could be filled by just shy of half the population. And I'd much rather work towards having that role filled healthily by Caity and no one else. So now I'll be up very late waiting for bedding to be clean, and seething quietly that my life feels so out of control. I'm aware that I've chosen every event that happened today, But I just want to stop committing to anything that isn't going to be part of my future.