We are all vessels on a vast ocean. What we search for varies, some for gold, some for exotic cargoes of some foreign substance. Some know where we are going, some do not. The questions that span our voyage vary, and many need not be answered. But all of us have them. Most of us want to know our future to know for sure, where we are going. Today I am absolutely irritable. I went to the game last night and tried to shove my way into several different groups. I decided some weren’t worth getting into, some I was sick of trying to get into, to no avail. I know it doesn’t really matter but I am sick of never feeling like anyone cares. Oh sure if I say anything people say they care. But humanity in itself doesn’t care. We think of ourselves before anyone else. We can’t help what we feel but we can be careful how we advertise it. I am sooooo pissed off and I shouldn’t be. Every time I think I have an opportunity to do anything I want to (the list being large and needing a separate area to be divulged) I get my hopes up, and then when it falls through I become so despairing. I am sick of feeling like a fucking loser, and the truth is I might just be one. I am sick of doing nothing on Saturday. I am sick of only having one friend. I am sick of wanting wishing and waiting. I know if I want something I have to go out and get it. But how the hell does one purchase a social life when your curfew is 10:30 or 11:00 at the latest and you can’t drive (and you already have to earn $1200 to go to New York). Oh and you’ve always been shy and stupid, and no one thinks of you as the first person to do something with when they are bored. I want a girl, I want a life, I want to be able to sleep at night knowing I am worth a shit. I want to have a group not just a friend. I want not to be human so I can quit wanting shit. I ought to quit swearing. I hate being a teenager. Especially because I know that’s the reason I am so (that was so a swear word for a minute) stupid, irritable, and alone. I want to know where I stand on so many things but I don’t. I haven’t established any values to base my choices on. I want a girlfriend. Not for the tongue action (whether I don’t need it because I have never had it or just because I find it rather less beneficial than just the girl, who knows) but because I need someone who makes me feel good. Not like a loser. I keep waiting for the world to drop into the palm of my hand. I will never learn independence if I don’t start trying to do something. I will never be me. I seem to be a step behind everyone else. Yet I am always told by the people I truly open up to that I am overly mature. I am sick of being constantly reminded that my life was interrupted and it fucked me over (perdone le frances). I have no reason to live but hope. Why is it that humans hope. Its such a futile drive. If aliens ever invade I am sure they will mock the futility of hope. *bangs heads on keyboard* I am so sick of feeling like crap. But I cant change that I do. How many people are as unhappy as me? That’s a sad thought. I ought to go downtown. But I cant cause I have to watch my niece. Anyways now that I am really bored and sick of typing out how crappy life is. And wondering when I am gonna be worthy of any attention. And now that I realizes that in complaining about the futility of humanity and humanism, all I am doing is pointing out my own faults I am going to leave now.