It's been a rough couple of weeks. Graduating has put a lot of stress on me to find my place in the world. That sounds like such a simple and concise statement of fact but I find it aggravatingly complex. I can't seem to get a grasp on the extreme contradictions that run my life and I can't help but assume that it would all be simpler if I could somehow consolidate all of my passion in one direction.
Lately it seams the only direction I have left is a uniform hate for everything. I'm depressed and I know it. I have no bright shiny beacon of hope either because my wife is just as down in the dumps (and she has yet to reveal why). There are a few things I have found generally wholesome and delightful in the past few weeks, but in general I have found everything from yardwork, to being married, to my lack of reasons to be proud to be very dissapointing. I feel like I am constantly spouting to myself a line from Obi Wan Kenobi about lightsabers in regards to the general courtesy of man. Everything seems so bleek and abrubtly dismal, hopeless even.
I feel like the walking talking example of the statement "nice guys finish last." I have a lot of trouble with publicly placing my own needs before others. I believe that everyone is selfish, we only can act on what we know, and we only truly know our own intentions. Part of being human, however, is to at least make an attempt at hiding our own expectations and demands. It seams more and more apparent, however, that to be successful is to ignore being human. The question now is how long before the nice guy in me is beaten out by the need to succeed, and who gets to be the sad sorry sucker that gets my bottled stress full in the mouth.
These days all I know is that I can't live like this forever. I don't know what will change, but at some point all the frail little pieces of my terribly interwoven life will shatter like flash frozen cacti needles and I will rearrange the pieces into some habitable form of routine and monotony. It's sad that I don't feel like I have any real joy left. I don't have any real pain either, but living in a world absent of any real attraction is rather undesirable.
What satisfies people? When are we truly happy? Why is it that when we search for happiness we can never consciously achieve it? Which comes first, the search or the unhappiness? What is the (scientificly provable and sustainable) greatest joy? Why is it that assuming a deity is in charge and absolving individual responsibility results in happiness? Why is it that humans need the appearance of control but not actual control? I could go on for a long time, but as most of these questions are philosophical or retorical it seams a little pointless.