Is it sad that my name means not worth reward or applause. I feel so worthless most of the time that I feel there is nothing good about me. THAT is depressing! Is it strange to think that everything that we consider insanity is just an amplification of thoughts we regularly encounter. Like multiple personality disorder, I myself wrote that I felt like their were different me’s. Scott said that the reason people hate to die is because they would miss the people here on earth. That might be part of it but even when the only person I thought was even remotely cool was Moe from the Simpsons, I didn’t want to die. I think it has more with the fact it has no predictable outcome. To some it’s the end. To others it’s the beginning. And yet to others its just another path in a long line. But no one knows for sure what happens. I think if there is no god the reason we created him was to explain what happens after death. To make it not just an end. I know that sounds awful but its logical. I think the most logical religion is that believing in something makes it become true. Because it explains why no matter what religion your from you can receive feeling that it is the right one. It just sounds very solid as far as religion goes. I went to first hour today and decided we were going to use the third project as our fifth project. Hopefully it works (fingers crossed). I tried to record onto the mini DV and apparently it didn’t work. I was pissed. I went to math and sat through a super boring review. I hope I do ok on tomorrows test (not likely). I got out and went to see Scott before chem. And he was like I have bad grades. I was like that’s your fault and your gonna pay for it. And he was like I am just gonna start my own business. I was like my dad has started his own business like six times and they never worked. He was like “its my life” I understand but I don’t know that he can get very far later if he doesn’t try now. I only said anything because I cared, but I felt really bad that I had so pissed him off. I went to chem. Now kinda angry and trying to act like I wasn’t. we did this boring magnesium oxide lab. Then I went to seminary where we listened to bro Richardson answer gospel questions. That was the time of my life (not). I got lucky I had fun doodling in my seminary book. I went to English and BSed a paper on Atticus Finch from to kill a mocking bird being a good parent. Then I went and saw Scott and he was all happy again. I felt much better but still felt bad. I came home and was a loser and did nothing. Then I messed around on the weight bench but never really exerted myself. I watched the Simpsons. Then my parents got home and my sister came up and we ate. Then Scott called and we had a good long entertaining conversation. Kat got on so I wanted on the net and got Scott to talk to her for me (you’re the best). Kat, I can’t stop thinking about you. I wish I knew better what to say to you. I feel like I am stumbling in the darkness towards an unseen treasure that I know very well is close. I hate waking up because it means I have to stop dreaming about you. Even holding my niece makes me think of you. Who is it that I crave for, as though I’ve met her in my dreams. I lie awake at night, and listen to the echoes of my screams. For in the darkness and the night, I find her by my side. But when I reach to touch her face, her time she does not bide. The very thickness of the air, does quiver at her sight. And when I realize she’s their, she again takes flight. And when the dank confusion of my situation leaves. I’m left with a dull feeling that my dream girl really breathes. But where to find a mistress so beautiful and sly. And how to find a girl that can not only seem to fly. I know not where my dream girl flees or what she returns to. But the only person similar, seams solely to be you.