I've run the gammet on what to expect and how I've felt this month. Every day seams to be a little different or a lot. At any rate, it's never the same and that can be a real challenge. For a while, in a all my emotional turmoil I ended the relationship with Val and fought to find a way to keep Caity. It always ended in some form of limbo and it's all very difficult to maintain my feeling of connection. Over the past week or so I have worked hard to reincorperate Val into my marriage with Caity. Monday Val paired off individually with both Caity and I. I don't feel like it added much value to my marriage and I find that troubling. I was exceptionally uncomfortable with Val and Caity and I walked in on both of them topless on the couch, Vals hair desheveled. I had a major freak out that night. I said and did things that I am very not proud of. I shoved Caity around and screamed a little. I had every right to freak out, but I wish I could have handled it better. I let Caity know that the best way to calm me down is to fuck me, and I feel really good about that.

Yesterday Caity came home from work, took me out to dinner to spend some time with me and reconnect. It was lovely to feel that she was taking time for me. I felt important/wanted and I worked hard to be present with her. I had spent the day finding some form of purpose from life and I wanted to use what I learned to connect with her. We went home after running some errands and stripped naked on the couch. We kissed, I carressed every inch of her, and we made love as best we know how. It was marvelous to reconnect, though I felt very inconfident as she had said she wasn't sexually attracted to me a little over a week earlier. I tried my best not to bring up all the insecurities built off the previous weeks and it felt wonderful to be with my wife and be sexual and vulnerable. Her body makes Val's look like the Juan Maria Ojeda jesus repaint. I am truly married to a goddess and having her be with someone who has sexual confidence has already changed her into so much more confident and beautiful a woman.

After we lay on the couch feeling close and connected. I felt truly taken care of for the first time in a very long time (and if we are going off feeling not fact), maybe even since we were dating. We talked, and for the first time since shit hit the fan we both wanted a future together. Caity talked about seeing Val not as a permenent thing and while I don't think either of us want to push Val away, it was nice to see that we both don't think she wants to stay forever. We talked about our future in New York, and then moving somewhere by the ocean (the south of france) and Caity having twins. I'll admit that I want kids right now. I don't want to pop out babies right now, I just currently want to have children before I die. It was so nice to feel like caity could be there for me, could make me feel safe, could make me feel better. I feel bad that it all comes down to sex, but I truly feel connected. I truly feel like I have a wife I can love forever. Even if she fucks other people.

And that is what I actually want to work through. I feel, for the first time since I can remember, like we are working towards a wonderfully fulfilled future together. I read a sub-reddit today about a man who's wife had sex with a woman without him present and it made him feel very uncomfortable.

http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1v1lk3/my_wife_had_a_girlgirl_experience_last_night_that/

It was nice to have a community of individuals offer advice and tell him it was okay to be uncomfortable. That there are communities to help him deal and he can choose what he wants. That he was justified in being uncomfortable and that the feelings everyone was feeling had the potential to be very dangerous to their marriage. And there was so much polyamory support and so much openness. I know that's only what I took from it, but it felt nice to have some kind of compatriot. To have a post that was all about hope and not just feelings and the psychology of how it is likely going to end.

I still have fears that Caity isn't sexually attracted to me. It's all consuming sometimes. But I have so much hope. I hope for a forever with Caity where we both can feel fulfilled and live the virtuous aristotalian life that vivifies the pinacle of human living. I hope for a sexual compatibilty and fulfillment with the only woman I ever hope to be married to. I hope for an amazing carreer where my artistic voice is heard loudly and my wife is supportive and radiant and part of all my gallery exhibitions somehow. I hope for peace, joy, happiness and love, and for an adventurous, bohemian life that is truly satisfying. And I hope for france and for twin girls that I can raise to eat with a fork and knife, and swear sillily in french, and love whoever they love.