I've always been a little like water. I think its a metaphor or something but I just have wierd characteristic affinity to water. I hate drinking the stuff (which is a bit off topic) but otherwise its the element I tend to think of myself as. Lately I've felt like I'm drifting upstream somehow.

I watched alice in wonderland tonight (sorry Teresa for missing your B-day party) and it was this great bildungsroman with all these hopeful insights into taking control of life. It made me want to vomit in teary depressed hopeless anxiety. I feel like an artist at the height of the industrial revolution, like a pirate in world with no unclaimed islands. What is my purpose in a world with no need for anything. I wish I had the power to risk my life in the aid of someone else's to take a powerful step toward breaking free of the mundane, mediocre existence that this world is err to.

I feel like hamelot, pondering the meaning of existence in an all to modern nightmare that is quickly overtaking every serene corner of the globe. Why is there no escape from this weary world. Why is it that everywhere we turn there are a dosen things telling us what to think, what to eat, what to wear, what to do, and robbing us of the hidden gifts that are our human talents. Why is it that to fight the way things are is only easy when your dead.

I fear to anger a God I hold no loyalty to, but fear and acknowledge at every bend. I wish to be free of the normality and mediocrity that govern this place. I yearn for the power to choose my fate without feeling burdened by the acknowledgement that others around me are in my care. I worry about everyone around me until it sucks me dry of that essence, that elemental quality that I refer to as water.

I understand that freedom is my choice. That were I to simply choose it, I could break free of the mundane existense I so displeasurably fester in. But I also fear to leave it behind. because I've been the one left before. Maybe I also fear to be happy, and I expect that I have been trained to fear it. I've been told that freedom is a hollow existence, devoid of any real gratification. But it also seams like no one is really happy on either end of the spectrum.

I guess that all I really wish then, is that I were at the helm of my own life. That I could be in control of my own world and see it as a please. I think this is what has me most stressed out. I want to find my life's purpose(and yes, I know, thats some deep shit). I want to be in control, to be able to help others as I see fit, and relax as I need. I want to be living my dreams, and not someone elses.

Note to self: figure out what I dream...