I think this is the long and short of it. At least as I see it right now. I think God wants me to be happy, but he also wants me to serve a mission. Right now the two don't exactly go hand in hand. I really don't want to disappoint God ever, but I want to be happy, and that is so much easier if I skip the mission step. Maybe if I go I will learn to be happy, maybe everything will work out and I wont have to regret anything. But if I can't choose to be happy now, how am I supposed to be happy later. I want to marry Caity (yes, I really do), She can be my one and only ever. But I believe fate is simply looking at things in hindsight and we choose the fate we live. It is our choice, and good friends before life doesn't clear all doubt about what to do now. Especially not these days. We can't even make it one full day on a decision before we start to doubt. Right now the mission looks like the easy way. Today I don't have perfect love. Because watching love walk back out to the car hurts like hell. ------- Edit: I'm nearly willing to deliberately defy God's will, So I can be happy for once. It's Six O'clock, and by the time I have eaten and gotten home, I might hate you. But I can't live without that hate. I don't want to give away this want, this is the kind of want that will be cherished all my life.