I've been freaking out every twenty some odd minutes. I have these bouts where I believe I can make this work. Followed by the intense realization that the past doesnt exist, and I don't have to atone for my sins. They are already gone, and if you really arent angry, I have no obligation to hold on to them. I, on the other hand am angry at you. I haven't worked through the realization that you have now cheated on me just as much as I you. Oh sure we've talked about it. But did you realize you didn't ask permission either. And whats worse, you did it while I sat and watched. I'm angry because you know I'm playing the marter, and you haven't stepped in to help me stop. I'm angry because you don't have the balls to have a responsible adult relationship and tell Val to tell Ryan before getting involved. I'm angry because I don't feel like I can trust anyone. You make a rule, I try to follow it, and you leave without telling anyone where you going. Not to mention you do that irresponsibly and drive while on muscle relaxers. You know what that got dylan?

So now it's time for you to act. No more giving you time. If you want to explore your sexuality with val you have to end your marriage first. Because you made a committment to me. I don't want to ever have to play second fiddle to someone else. And you married me, which means I'm entitled to that. I know I said 3 months, but we both know that was playing the martyr. Because I'm terrified you really are going to pick Val over me. I know you don't want to make a choice. That you will do anything to just let things happen without you having to make a move. If it's only adult and responsible to talk to ryan and end things, then the same holds true for me. I want to say you and val can be friends, but I can't trust you to stand up for me when I don't ask you to, and how can I ask if I don't know what's going to happen to know what to ask.

So here's what I want: I want you to tell Val you pick me. That you want to explore your sexual relationship with a woman but you are already committed to a heterosexual marriage and that comes first. I want to be your everything, but if you really need tits and vaginas then find a girl to just fuck. I want to be your only committed relationship. I want to be the only one that gets your emotions and your body. Everybody else has to pick one. I want to be able to hold you to that standard, and if you can't hold that standard I want you to end our relationship. Because otherwise I have every right to make you feel like absolute hell for lying to me when you say you pick me. And I'm not going to give you up. You're going to have to be the one to leave.

If you want to fuck Val, then fuck her. But I don't want you to develop feelings. I don't want you to replace our relationship. I don't want you to go on dates with other people.

I've been inauthentic. I want to be yours and you to be mine. I've been lying to you because I want to keep you and its robbed me of my peace of mind and my relationship with you. I'm open to the possibility of being fully committed to a lasting relationship that means I hold you to your promises and you hold me to mine. I am open to keeping all my promises, including not playing the martyr.