To live an extraordinary life we must first give up the ordinary one.

For four months I lived a lie. Well, a truth of sorts. I lived true to my own ambitions, and a lie to everyone around me. I've always been a liar, a thief, a coward. But for four months none of it mattered. I carved out moments of time to be me. And I know in hindsight things always get a little rosy. It's a fact I'm keen to remind myself of. Because I carved a life out of lies and spent every moment I wasn't relishing in lies, carelessly blowing them. And hindsight of course witnesses only half truths.

The truth was of course never fully naked. But I caught glimpses of it I think. And the truth was that I gave up one half of myself for another. And when it comes to your own completeness, two halves don't make a whole. I've found myself wistfully reminded of those four months lately. I left my willpower to resist those memories at sea. The likely truth is that I am longing to find myself whole. But longing is blinding. And I find myself dragged back to those four months, dragged back to half memories and blind longing. And I want the longing to stop, but I don't know if I want to pluck the longing from my beating heart, or fill it.

To be human is to have a hole in your heart.

That's a statement I've always believed true and I've been extra human lately.

I spent a week at sea with my brother in law. It was a rather different experience. He payed for everything and I chose to let him and not blink twice about whatever dumb thing he did. It was probably a little cruel, but the kind thing to have done would be to not go. I didn't know that was the kind thing.

It's hard being lonely on a moving hotel, several miles offshore. I found myself thinking about friends I have lost and will likely lose because of how I have treated them. Because I still have that hole in me. And I wanted so badly to be a part of the people with stories to share, rather than drinks. I realised how lost I've become, and how hard it's been to see me through the haze of self-deprecation.

In all this I've come to a yearning resolution to find my tribe. And to work towards both vulnerability and generosity. We are all the walrus. you feel me?