I'd forgotten other people existed on the planet.

I don't know why but that phrase sticks out to me a little more than I'd like. I've been working a little more frantically to get something going for myself lately. I've been reaching out for mentors and helpers and working to solidify some sort of business plan for the year and get last year wrapped up. But behind it all I don't really feel like it's going anywhere. Everywhere I reach out to it feels like I'm trying to shoot a charging rhino with a water pistol. I don't know that it's all lack of preperation. There's also just this undertone of mistrust. I feel like I'm the only person in the world convinced that what I'm doing is what I'm going to keep doing.

I suppose it's just a belief that if someone would just give me a real chance I could deliver something that wasn't complete shit. But belief is what I've been thinking about these days. Everything in the world seems to be made up of beliefs. From politics and religion to getting up in the morning and facing happy. I don't feel like I've been happy in ages. I get glimpses of not quite so heavy but everything I do feels like I'm holding a half ton of regret and disbelief with me. And the idea that I stop fighting for whatever anybody else thought I'd become and now I can't become anything at all. Like belief was the only thing in the world that was real and now that I don't fold into it like a clean t-shirt I can't be anything.

Somewherein all that I'm sure there's a feeling of betrayal. I feel it frequently think whenever I mull religion or spirituality in my brain. I can't help but feel like it owes me something. Like belief promised me the world if only I could pray the right way. And now that I evaluate what it said I think it owes me the world because their is no right way to pray. I know that's not logical. I suppose nothing owes me anything at all. But I used to be promised something based on how I behave and now I see it doesn't matter how I behave. And I can't decide between behaving any way at all. And somewhere in all of that I'm mad because I am surrounded by people who can't give me anything at all. But I'm not willing to push them away. So I'm just stuck with nothing, and no belief in myself or the world. Because it's full of failed promises and non-existent magics and there's just these fleeting moments when I see well dressed strangers that make me feel almost like I'm alive and then it's over before it ever really began.