....so I wanted to get rid of the 'garbage' but somehow I forgot that god gave me a heart. A heart too forgiving to where I seem to always be used. I kept telling myself over and over how this was going to be the last time it sinks me in...the last time I'd care. As the words were flown out to me, it was as if i barely even hesitate to say what was on my mind. What had me steamly mad and confused was erased in the furious wave. Sometimes I don't understand myself or why I do the things I do...even when I know the results. After last night's himilation, I wanted to sleep with the lights on. It wasn't that I suddenly became afraid of the dark...but I needed the lights to comfort my shameful thoughts. So again I wrote in my diary explaining how the world can be so 'high' then suddenly drop dead to the ground. My dad though, seems to be prancing around the house as if we aren't sick children; as if I am still his innocent little girl. last friday I was walking down the hallway looking at all the ppl who are concealed in their fake world. Then I spotted Star and her gay lover matt...wondering if I hate them because they're somewhat like me. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense...but I tried think of every reason of why I hate them with such passion; trying somehow to relate it to me. its not jealously...I don't know what it is. At first I thought it was me. I mean I bleed black blood just thinking about how sick they make me ...I kept thinking "how could I hate so many ppl"....it isn't like me to wish someone would fall and for them to look up and see me with a smirk because of all the hell they've made me become. AHH i could scream. When I see THEM I see my black doll with it's eyes popped out, it's fragil head beaten till it faded to white, and its ragged, gray clothes, and all i could to do was SCREAM... silently. I waited till I went home to cry just like friday. But 13 years lata, I've realized how many f u c k s their really are. I now longer look at the world with an innocent sense of light. And i wonder if I'll always be angry. Since then I haven't let myself not stick up for myself. So why didn't I last night? how does she have that much power. (CHOICE A): BECAUSE SHE'S JUST LIKE ME. I HATE HER CAUSE SHE'S JUST LIKE ME.... I'm gonna make a homemade warning sign. neways, I've fallen back into the false security of loving 'him' and blag I saw it coming and I tried to keep myself from loving 'him' but what can I say? I knew I could never be friends with him. ugh. he plays his cards well. *mwah My mom has this thing on her wall that says "2 new friends isn't better than 1 old friend" I critized that phrase...but when I look at the "big picture" it's somewhat true. I talked with Drea TT on the phone last night. OMG I'M SO HAPPY FOR HER! okay this is a LONG entry. I'm gonna go read [xmouthfulofpoisonx] blog. O speaking of blog, suprisingly, alot of ppl have never heard of that word. heh I'm such a dork