i turned my phone off. unthinkable i need time to rid the fear i know everything is going to go downhill, and I am not assertive enough to stop it... i'd rather destroy myself. i don't want to hurt people the way I've been hurt before, but somehow I find myself stuck in their starlight beauty, and all I can think about is how to show my real smile. the kinda half smile that holds a tragic side. kevin wants me back. honestly, i thought my morals were shot...me leaving him was the best thing. It opened my eyes to the person I once was when I was innocent. i learned from the pain that he gave me. as much as I miss him...and as much as i miss everything we were, I am not sure anymore if it was real. he is not the person that i thought the world of. I just know I can't go back because he is bad for me. He could make me feel a happiness like no one else could ever make me feel, but then he could make me feel worthless. He could make me feel beautiful, but then he make feel like there was something wrong with me. there were always so many ups and downs. i am sick of boys. i am sick of men. i am sick of lame lines to get me in bed. i am sick of the word "love" being thrown around as a casuality. a 27 year old man asked me for my number today at walmart. all i did was walk past him...i don't understand why i am always the target for older men. and i realize now that it is almost impossible to be friends with a guy and to not have any intimate feelings get involved. antione said to me last night, "look, we're together. your my girl" i go..."is that a threat?????." I have been saying for the last week, I just wanna be single, cause I need to work on myself right now. And my focus right now is school. i fucking just wanna graduate.