so im in love. apparently. with who i am. and i also hate who i am. was reading chicken soup and found a LONG poem that describes me. so im giving it all to you guys: Please Hear What I'm Saying Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature to me, but don't be fooled. For God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why i frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope, and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. I don't like to hide. I don't like to play superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the bland stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life back into me. I want you to know that. Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet, and I am every woman you meet. friggin shit that was long. and although i guess my feelings arent THAT intense, i just really liked the poem. and after talking to someone, i just wanted to say that im grateful for those who i feel safe with. because those are the people who know me sans mask. and i dont have a thousand, only like ten. ten masks that is. people i am safe with=5. and i want to say sorry to some people. because i really am. AND i miss india something fierce. seriously. just this playlist of VERY energetic songs is making me wish i was there right now. well the songs and seeing pics online of my family. now im at home, alone. maskless. amazing little old me. loving myself. well ok now that im done being an emotional little girl, im going to go dance to some shweet music and then work on stuff. if you got through that entire thing, i seriously applaud you. really, i love you. nish