I went to bed early tonight with Caity. That seams a weird place to start but it's now 1:50 and I can't sleep. I slept for probably ten or eleven hours last night. So it's no suprise that I'm up. But God am I depressed! On sunday or monday I found out that the upstairs shower has been leaking for a while. It's rotted out a little of the downstairs shower drywall and will definitely need repaired. This on top of the many other house repairs that need done stressed me beyond use. Not that I haven't been stressed beyond use for months, even years. Ealier, before bed, I told caity I felt like I was drowning. It's not the first time this week I feel that. Or even told her that. Her response was more or less nothing. again.

I feel like that can describe our marriage without any additional information. I know this isn't necessarily the reality. But in 9 years of being together I've never felt invincible. I seem to remember that with Val though. And I can't seem to decide that my marriage isn't worth sticking out. But I can't tell you why. Only that maybe it will get better. Even though I know this isn't the life I want to be living. It hasn't been in so long I don't even know what to do with it. Maybe it never was? Maybe that's why I've been such a miserable fuck.