we know somethings that are, and somethings that aren't. the most enchanting things are somewhere inbetween. serenity is the sound of ducks beating their wings against fresh morning air. it is the light of dawn that makes my room glow and sparkle while im still half asleep. and i find it in the eyes of the lamb that nuzzles my hand and bleats while discovering new things.

fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. get thefuckoutofmyhead. the cold in the air chills me from my nose first and then my exposed hands holding my book under the bedside lamps gaze. i switch to one hand at a time and bury my nose under duvet. i make it to the end of the chapter. the wind blows dust around my eyes and i must squint and grit my teeth. i raise my head as the heavens surely thunder above. hard, sharp hail takes aim and pummels my shoulders, hands and neck. i find cover under a broad bushy tree. natures umbrellas. i step off my bike and drop it to the grassy shore, my helmut is flung into the sand. i peel my jacket off, my sunglasses are caught in it and jab at me. i roll it and chuck it away. i unfasten my shoes and stride down the beach. two steps into the water, i breathe in deeply and dive. immediate full immersion and exhale through my nose as a glide towards the surface. its warm and the water is serene. my mind is serene. the river flows fast but i stride through strongly. the otherside is steep so i sprint out. the track follows a beach forest ridge and i make haste on the way up. the hour is late. i am late. the open tussock ridge comes at first as a glimpse in a clearing, and then further up i meet the wind there. blowing my from the north. guiding me west i loose everything else in the fog even my cool head, my way, and a few tears, but i have the wind, always, i have the wind. and it guides me to the biv, my haven for the night. the grass is frozen solid. it crunches underfoot. the ball skids now and the sweat in my hair freezes. its the coldest day in ten years. my friend is cold and stops running after the ball. we play on. we follow the ball. his lips are blue and he barely talks when the adults take him away. what happened to him? the heat of the day draws us to the water park. the diving boards bend and groan all day. its the best. the water slide runs are unending and exhilarating. after a lunch of hot chips and T-sauce we swim in the big pool. we notice a starfish but move on to the deep end. i tread water like a dog and feel threatened. i swim to the edge. my starfish still floats, unmoving, upside down now. i scream when my mind makes sense of it. adults rush in. she is dragged to the edge and lifeguards carry gas bottles. what happened to her? be brave to the end. run hard to the end. listen. feel. dream above all else. for just a bit of clarity. please. at least once a day anyway.

the shower is so warm and my skin feels incredible. i tense and flex. roll my shoulders, arch my back. i pant and snarl. im hot. and with my eyes closed there is nothing but my physicality to sense. i feel great. im at the best point. i feel like sitting down. but i know im in the shower still. i need the water to hit me, precise, not fall on all of me. i touch myself and its intense. the most intense its ever been. i know what i want and what i can never handle when im lucid, i can do it now and its numbing and, everything. it builds as it does but slowly so slowly. and what im used to as a climax is surpassed and im surprised, its hard work and im working hard already how much better can it get and how much longer can i keep this up? i continue and my body is on fire. waves. waves. building up and up. im so high. im so fucking high and its amazing. and then i reach the pinnacle and it lasts an eternity and its huge and im overwhelmed i fucking made it to the end. im exhausted but in euphoria. i gasp and sigh and moan and clutch at the wall with my hands and i have to lean into it with my shoulder. the comedown is slow and, i ache as it washes away. i feel born again. and i laugh. i laugh now everything is beautiful and my friends are geniuses and everything they say has me in stitches. i cry so many tears i cant see for minutes at a time. my grin is wider than my face. but i am lucid now. and it has its benefits. more benefits than any other state. and i am satisfied here. and happy. but i think... if it was that good by myself, imagine it with somebody else. and im eager to know!

i felt like it was. i have no memory. just evidence. no matter how i stretch into my mind i come up with nothing. as the universe goes outwards, so my mind goes inwards. it would be like finding life out there in space, and finding my lost life inside my mind. im on a continuum, its infinity at both ends. infinity in. infinity out. at the tipping point, physicality mixes with mentality. that is the battle of life. i fight life with my mind. i fight life with my body. lets call the combination my soul. my whole. its easier, easier to bear if i dont think about it too much. ever feel like you could explode? or transcend? must be the balance of body and mind. balance of soul. i need to be softer. soft. weak. open. please.

i almost drove off the road on saturday. it was raining. i was changing cd. i looked up i was in the shoulder. i swerved back onto the road, fishtailed three or four times before coming back straight. i'd probably never tell anyone that. and god said "not today, simon". and it was so. but it doesnt give me a new lease on life. i'd forgotten it within minutes of getting home. it only came to me now because i wanted to write something, and it came to me as the only thing of note in the last week. oh and i got really high as well. but who cares about that. muted. serious. limited. cocoon. cacoon. a cacoon. cocoon. cacoon. cocoon. oon. soon. better study!

Maori concept of renewal. rejuvination. fresh growth after disasters. this is me. here we go! fingers crossed. not today! beyonce, my god! i love it really.

struggling to fit everything into my day, i close my eyes and pray for a miracle is this hopeful? well aren't we all. betrayingly optimistic, hopelessly hopefully. is the grass really greener, i can make it greener, or should i be happy with my hue. what to do, i cant be with you, but i cant start anew. im stuck in a limbo limo cruising the highway but i aint in control... not yet anyway. atleast its comfortable. shit. hey i like to go out in the rain, smile at the trees and the birds. kiss the windows and laugh. i wont do things by half, not anymore. i know where that path leads, and its a dead end. a blind corner, the foolish eye catches a false glimp of hope around the bend. and im hooked. well i was. now im free. well getting there. walking like a man now. eyes cold. but eyes open. who can reignite them? make em burn, make em yearn. skin. soft. warm. my landscapes are mountains. valleys. plains. gullies and hills. it all starts with the chills. thats how i know its you. and you are in my view, in my sight. who are you. arching your back. looking but not seeing. dont live forever in that head of yours, or one day you'll look and ill be leaving. easing. taking the weight of my shoulders and letting if fall. i flow like water and air. i release it all. i release it all. now. im clear.

My pain is outhowled by the wind my drumming is offbeat compared to the rain my shoulder will never be colder than the snow the sun burns more than my running legs ever will my earwax doesnt hold a candle to the wax of bees and the sky will always be more beautiful than i will ever be but i get to smile and sense it all for free and wonder at how much more generous is nature, than me!

if i got a quiet mouth then you should hear my loud mind like a quick mouse tip-toeing through land mines, shhhh my head is a battlefield that you will never see, deep sigh i give you the emotion with my eyes and my hearts regard but all you ever get is a stupid face that wont talk, cry or laugh it makes you melt, boil and burn. you're stuck in our favourite pan on my hot element, you disappear in silver smoke whisps and all you leave behind is the black spot to remind me death comes to emotion, connections, moments just as easily as it reaps life from the ground in which it grew. if i got a quiet mouth, then you should look behind those teeth and hear me roaring on the inside. Search for the signs of life they flicker behind my eyes and skin and are vibrant and, dim. blurry crystals cross fade into clouds of purple and green and brightness. i just dont want to move my face for you. not yet. not until im desperate.

the warm fuzzies betray me, they exist only in my head and my heart beats harder and i get it man. i know what its saying. but dealing with it is hard work. i want to be free to be free would be amazing. im over, i want to be over it. i want it, really, to happen soon. it will be sad? sure. but thats ok. im ok with that now. i know i am. i dont want it anymore. i dont. need. it. im ok now. let me be. --- If i need something new, when will it happen to me? i think i probably need to read more. im so stuck. what do i love more? what matters more? what do i need. one more time, before we fade away into the page. one last time with the final kiss remember this, 12/31. i had my final kiss on the 13/11, so not far off myles.it was so good that it almost made me change my mind about everything. and then i ran. ----------- fuck. i got out of town last week and went into the bush for the afternoon. it was perfect. Thesis. shit se? heists? the sis? his set. perfect. should probably. let me pay forteaonetime and thecrimesi'vedone. let me fail at loving you and expressing how i really feel. fool me with your lies and your eyes. cos you, bring me to my knees. for you, i'd do anything. -- simplified your simple lives, with my cosmic eyes that stretch to the far side of. if heaven exists for those who are good, then hell exists and people were meant to be bad. survival can skew perception of good and bad. all those people who went to their deathbed beleiving they were going to heaven while they had slaves cleaning their quarters and cooking their meals. would they make it to heaven in this day and age? would all the kings who crusaded? would all those who killed jews in pursuit of religious harmony be worthy still? this makes me even more certain that heaven and hell are just ideas in the collective mind. are we to scared to let them go? why do old ideas persist. so much. lets look to the natural state for examples? there are definitely places like heaven and hell on earth. but they are now reachable. our earth is before us. it is uncovered in all its visible glory. but it is not understood at all. hmmm.

i find out that you are with someone now. someone you were in contact with while i was going out with you. while we were lovers. someone who you kept from me. someone who you had a crush on. and it burns me up. this is jealousy. and i feel it. and i want to scream why at you. my memories of you come forward and i think about what i could've done. but it also passes with time and i calm down. but it would be there again waiting for me if i think of you or you come up somehow. i guess it just means i still care about you. and thats all. i need to breathe through it. let it in and let it back out. i guess i still need more time. hearts are tricky to heal when you cant see the wound and being blindsided by emotions gives you more angles at the torn out part. can i find joy for you in my jealousy. can i be happy that you are ok now. can i turn my pain around. i will try.

of all the days i look ahead to days of joy, parenthood, family of wandering the untouched world of embracing and mourning loved ones of private smiles and pounding heart i wonder which day will be the day i know who i am

i could just be honest and say these things i think about you do you want to hear them or shall i wait and try and read you i think thats lame i can be brave and say what i think you should be brave and listen to what i think and then tell me what you think in return cos that's fair but we should write it down and pass it to each other in note form, so that if i go first and say too much then you can't back away and if we promise to be honest and write down the longest sentences we can think of that includes all the knowledge that we contain about each other then we can miss out on all those teething problems and go straight to being on it and in it and living and breathing and embracing and respecting and injecting the passion we hold inside into each others veins and itll be like electricity flowing through the mains and out a socket and we just gotta plug in and soak it up spend all our time talking without words and touching each others hearts with whispers today i learned, we have options. the one love is out there. but that is not the BE ALL and END ALL. we have options. i can be fulfilled by my one love. but yet crave a little more. we have options! do not fear or balk at the idea of time for yourself. time to top up your needs. you can be in love, but still need something your lover cannot give you. this is ok. we do not have to do our need shopping all at one supermarket. how do you know what you need? this is experience, trials and errors through our lives. i need a companion to experience the outdoors with. i understand that my lover may not be this person, and it will not be the end of the world. i understand also that i may need something, and try to get it from my lover, whom does not need it but wants to please me and so does. this leads to heartache. we must communicate our needs. if a need is not met. meet it. fulfillment is easy. but neglection of a need is easier. work hard to meet your needs, and then be happy. we are all in this together, lets work it out!

your pretty face catches my eye and im shy you make me hide you make me white lie just to try and sneak a look man you got me hooked you ain't doin nothing but im glued like a book you could be treating me mean i stil be jumping up and down like commander keen just to get a peek at your stacked out physique my god woman... my god. its you like a vision but better than that more like everythin i been missin in my life for ever and now your here your eyes cutting through me like a hot knife and im butter, now you got me buttered up stuttering and shufflin, stiflin my strut you ain't even made a cut just a threat you roll them doe suckas suckin my cash sucking my energy and making me feel anythin making it be like your the only thing and everything. shit. i couldnt get anywhere today without doing something. it was good it wore me down though, now im still awake and its fuckin 2am.. i leave for a long time tomorrow... today. three months away from home its the longest i've ever gone. none of my stuff. just leaving it here. living out of a back pack. legit. peace and harmony, so i can't buy it but i can be denied it, its that fair? make your own.

true bliss is like a moonbeam kiss, and so peacefulness lasts until you speak of remiss like the grey mist of my journeys to school, you words cling to me and chill me to the bone no jumper or jacket or parka or sweater can warm me like the northfacing basalt stones that i climb which we share for which now i can only return with you in mind, and instead of nothingness and peace i am left with echoes of your encouragement and vivid memories of your face crinkling and squinting you could hide your eyes from the sun but you couldnt hide the pain in your eyes when we were alone when we were alone your mind was open like the desert skies and i could see the rain clouds approach and i knew it was a storm but i didnt know to be prepared i didnt know anything maybe i could have watched its gusts loose strength and pass by as a gentle breeze but i knew not the words nor the actions to amend and you would not explain. you would not try to mend with me, to heal up and swallow down my pills of love and warmth and peace. i offered you peace. mustnt i offer more? what more can one have? and still the storm came and went. and i was left on the far bank of a freshly carved canyon of unrest and you were an ant to me on the otherside. but we shared the same roof. and you would come to me for protection yet. for to stay awhile was enforced not by will but by circumstance. and i would agree, perhaps we could fill our canyon with water and sail across to each other and smile and tack and billow and the peace we could have. we could've had. but i was remiss. i did miss those chances. oh how i missed those chances. you would give more and more until you are spent like my patience with criminals. and yet am i not a criminal? but one who steals hearts and does not care for them proper. one would let his hearts pile up around him and let them beat in unison with his own. they are fooled and they can not hear another heart beating so they are content that we are alone. i cannot say more. but sorry. from everyone peaceful moment i have i would give to you in repentance and every moment to come i would give knowingly that i have wronged and continue to wrong even in absence of presence. in absence of love. in absence of pressure and release. i am so sorry. you were the first one i loved. and i didn't know what it meant. and i ... i will be more precious now. i think i have learnt this lesson. the start. the laws to the heart. i think i love you still. but does that count? it is more a haunting love than a reality. it is my ghost, for my error. but it is not always an error. sometimes it is just the way it happened. i dont know anymore. do it, and know. don't do it, do not know. which is best?

my hearts pounding why? i checked my phone and i had 1 new message, but thats not why my hearts poundings... its pounding because the message could be from you. its out of my control as well. we are broken up. more difinitively, we'd broken down a long time ago and then we blew up and so now were broken up. but my feelings never got the message. somebody tell my anticipation that it'd be better of waiting at a train station. atleast trains run to a timetable. contact from you is like a fly in my lounge. maybe you land on the window, maybe you land on the door, maybe you turn circles for an hour maybe you land on the floor. im trying to say its erratic. and my ears are filled with the static of all the bad things you said and all the bad things i said until it gets so loud i have to shout my will to love again with all my strength. and then. and then its calm. and im empty. but im not running on empty. im full. ready to go. i can go. up. down. doesnt matter. im not a mad hatter but i had a matter to deal with. in other words you. and your affect. in effect its non-descript, i couldnt reason with it but it lived with me. some people call it baggage? but why? baggage is useful, it carries what you want when your hands are full or tired. this was more like a marriage, and i see you saying what but let me finish. it is more like a marriage, but pre arranged. how can people do that? let your kid be in that situation, its so deranged. anyway its more like an indian marriage because you dont want it but you learn to live with it. so here i am with my phone. and my smile that i dont smile, that my marriage makes me smile. that pries open my mouth and vices my willpower to the door of embarrasment. and it takes over my thought train, and its on full speed ahead and then i read it and you want to know if you can have your keys back. and im numb but im scrambling. im not scrambling this marriage no, monster in my head is scrambling. trying to eek out some subtext trying to return to its cosy hole in my heart. trying to fill my veins with false hope. but its been a long time. and its weaker now than back then. its had months with out mention months without any stimulation so its slow to react. its vice is loose and my will power is herculean now. and i reply but cold. im cool. i dont bat an eyelid, though if i did you'd swoon and i still wouldnt care. im your worst nighmare now. im over you. and i can power through this bullshit thing living inside of my skin. its claws are blunt and his game predictable. monster... marriage... baggage... i dont care call it what you will, cos its my will that matters now and its full of excited power to start a new me with not a wasted hour.

goddam! 2010! done and dusted. im getting used to these cycles. 365 days aint shit anymore... just got to do do 24 x 365 x 60... easy peasy! how long? not long. cos what you reap is what you sow. NYRevs? get my shit locked down (MSc). dont eat too much! always eaten too much and feeling over full. bad bad bad! knock that habit. drink less. smoke more. RUN. BIKE. TRAMP. CLIMB. LOVE. FUCK. be nasty and be kind. get my shit locked down. one year to go boy. one year. i get the feeling i finish my MSc and them im going to fucking explode.

too many things on my mind... my mind, well what's left of it. i awoke to the light playing over my face from a draft blowing my curtains. frames of light flew through my eyes faster and faster and drew me from sleep. i feel nauseous. its too early. its summer. and the sun has other ideas. i roll over but now the heat is on my back. i feel itchy and become uncomfortable. when its time to get up, it really is time to get up. those extra sleepins never do me any good anyway. sighing comes naturally, and so does stumbling. but i make it to the door. the hall. the shower. the coldwater burns at first but is forgiving. and i embrace him. he clears my mind, and opens my eyes. The water brings me to life. ends the grasp of a deep sleep. but morning ritual ain't what it used to be. i used to have warm showers of course. and sometimes i still do. but i always get too hot and bothered. cold showers. cold and refreshing. life giving. coma reducing. reality stitching showers. i just have to unclog that drain, yuck. --------- i was sitting in bed. but i was more slouching, more lying. but i was sitting never the less. i looked out the window and instead of seeing reality, I saw myself. i left myself and drifted, and i was alienated. i didnt know to embrace it. i was deeply scared. i have been like this before. it is harmless, but still it takes the breathe out of me. to be outside. to have no tangibility. to question what is and what isn't. like that is normal. like normal isn't. like nothing is anything is everything and all you can do is look and try and ingest all this sensory noise. its loud alright. and its screaming at every sense. its poking and pulling and pushing reality away and grabbing at my sense and pushing upon me nonsense. in retrospect i like it. i can control it. i dont know when ill next lose reality. but im never ready. but i am starting to become more accepting of it. i want to know why i can do it. probably because i can and thats that. i will try to be one with it next time, if i am aware it is happening even at all. ---------------- time to fly to skip the light to hide in the night from noise that makes you uptight gives you a fright sends you to the corners of your minds right and comes back saying something about it all, listen closely. it is day, without sight, without the light. it is not different. you startle easy because you listen harder, you smell fainter, you taste slighter, you feel the slightest vibration in the air in the floor in you soul. you notice. during the day, senses backseated you blunder along, seeing with your eyes, hearing with your eyes, tasting with your eyes, feeling with your eyes. quit it. close em up. be tender with them. use them for purpose. and then you will notice what needs to be noticed. you will see deeper and clearer. and you will become calm at night. calm at dawn. calm at noon. calm at twilight. ----------- all of the lights.

i was talking to my friend today at work, and on the way home. he has gone sober. me too. we were discussing why two people independently chose to do something and if they had similar reasons. turns out sorta. my friend gets depressed for like the following week after a big night out (10+) and was sick of doing dumb shit and not owning it. e.g. i didnt fuck her i was drunk so it didnt matter... he thinks that now, he knows it was his choice to get drunk and so he is owning all the dumb drunk shit he did. and he doesnt want to have to make that choice. just for now atleast anyway. i feel like everytime i say to myself, ill just have one or two, i end up drinking myself into oblivion, but if i say ill have one bottle of wine and thats it i tend to be ok. if i can put an upper limit and be satisfied its ok. but the other night i did that. i had a bottle of wine. in fifteen minutes. good choice man. i was fucked. anyway i did some dumb shit. and i was feeling like i had betrayed myself, and basically i thought fuck it just dont drink like that anymore. i have one beer, and i always want one more. the only time i stop is when im driving. bah. alcohol is so powerful. its the most powerful drug we have because its so readily available. you can buy it in a corner store. you can buy it at restaurants. super markets. there are designated places where people go to partaking in abusing alcohol, read: bars. what other drug has this luxury in our society? none! not even smoking is in bars anymore... why don't beer bottles come with health warnings on them like a pack of cigarettes do. just as leathal when over indulged. the only restriction on alcohol is age. AGE! not quantity, quality, supervision, or any other form of restriction that other less potent drugs recieve. how much dumb shit do we actually do on acid or cocaine? just as much dumb shit as we do on alcohol. not only that cannabis is illegal, but sativa is legal, a drug which gives one of the most intense trips out, even more mind-altering and unattached than lsd or mushes or dmt which are all severly illegal... i dont know. how can you deal with the alcohol issue... online buying only? higher age restriction? it needs to be dealth with soon. so many people are ruining themselves, me included. i keep reading about it and seeing tv docos on it. its so appalling youth drinking blah blah blah... not actually doing anything about it though!!! so yeah going to stay away from heavy drinking till i feel like i am in a happy place about it. or until i feel like i can have a beer and not need a second one. or until i finish all my pot and need something else to do during the afternoons :) ------------------------------------- i think its about time to let it all go let the words flow and let the world know i been up in this crib for about twenty years been doing my thing been overcoming my fears breaking em down, and discoverin new ones looking at myself saying oh what have you done but being at peace and accepting myself moving on and stacking memories upon the top shelf learning here and there learning how to share learning to control the fears and cry the tears talking to the man, and letting him see see a young man become a man when he turn 23 im a hit next year runnin, be heads down tails up and im a get it all done and have time to holla whatsup to be with my friends to be with my family im going to do it all, im a be a man for eternity

i am made of space and nothingness and yet i am solid. i am made real by nothing. i am then nothing really. i have friends, i cant understand it but i have friends. who are these other nothings that mean so much to me. balls of skin and hair and beautiful eyes and intelligent thoughts and caring gestures. what is it all. memories are fucking with my head. i dont want to be enslaved by them, but they are tied so tightly to my emotions some of them anyway. pulling at my heart. making me sad. making me think about how good i felt. am i healing yet? am i still in denial? love hurts and heals. it is hard letting go of the one thing ill never replace. nevers to strong, i will love again! just not like that. and i guess thats what makes me sad. but i want to get on with it but the bloody memories and feelings arent letting me get away with it so easily. its like its a physical thing, its my subconcious that is doing it. i am not actively thinking about it, it will just pop into my head, and then escalation. subconcious is powerful, that bastard, he is the real me, i must get to know him? are we one and the same. how can i claim to be who i am if i dont know if i am my subconcious. if i am this body. if i am this nothingness. can you tell someone who is hurting, who you hurt... that you are hurting to. i feel like i need to tell her. i keep thinking about her. do i need to hear her voice? and seal the deal? i dont know. i dont know if she is hurting after all. maybe she is fine. im a sucker for jealousy. the whole time. always? why? jealousy comes from... what is she thinking, who is this she is talking to, why does she talk when i am here. am i not enough? i dont need this feeling. ever. i dont want to ever have it again. if i do, i will say it straight away, it is the most horrible feeling to keep inside. i hate it. i dont like how i act when i am feeling this way. i focus on her deviation, rather than our issues. this is wrong. i think this is key. ------- ok, well i am ok now. single.