i realised who i want to be.

i'm realising who i want to be.

i don't know why now. its inconvenient. i have things to finish. i have things to start. and to finish.

i make promises. i make plans. i dont know where they start or end. i make a decision i make a choice, can i remember when? i must.

i love photos. films. serials. i love to watch people.

i love to watch nature though. maybe a bit more nature.

when you say hello to me

i know you're saying good bye

why are you trying to run away

why you gotta lie

you lied. you faked. i fell for it.

now i'm known as your "mistake".

fuck you.

memories dont come easy. and nothing else does too. motivation, drive, i feel sick. i feeeel sick in my stomach. i want to go, im uneasy. i want to finish it. i need to. i have to. i can't. im spent. its all used up. maybe theres still reserve? i could try reserve. thats what people use isnt it. but its risky. for know one really knows how much reserve there actually is. i guess you wont know till you try right? and then thats another thing you've learned about yourself. i have pushed hard, i guess i emptied my tank, and i started into reserve, but i was close enough to the end that i could sustain.

right now, im still a week away. thats long. its too long i cant mentally sustain it. if im already empty. how can i do another week? one more week. one. out of hundreds. thousands? just one week.its my rut. a week in a rut. i spent it in there by myself shitting in my own bed. and sleeping in it, bunching up my shit-stained covers for warmth. but i lay awake for hours, smelling my own shit, breathing in my inability to move.

fuck me

get this over with and done. get it done. GET IT DONE. get it fucking done. get it done. do it now. do it come on do it. start it finish it. one week. come one. DO IT. START THE PROCESS. THINK ABOUT THE PROCESS. get stuck into the process, the thinking the musing. get it. get it.

i can.

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Dylan Elise. http://fuckyouverymuch.dk . Jack Conte - Gulf. Hayden Lawrence - Gethsemane. myself. i. and cam. fucking cam and his beautiful sound.