maybe my life is a... box of chocolates, its all brown. like poo. my wrist totally nigh on shattered, i dont have any lateral movement in it. its amaizing i can still type, however slow it is. maybe i'm meant to be not quite there. in everything i do. not quite their in school academically, not quite there in my friendships, not quite there with my relationships, not quite their physically. a life of mediocracy would be totally unwarranted, granted i haven't exactly earned a better life, but fuck, if even just one of those factors were better i'd feel good about myself... which is really all i need at the moment... some fucking encouragement, all i get is "simon you're so stupid, can't you see whats happenening" and shit like that... so what if i'm screwing myself over mentally and emotionally... its my choice, isnt it? sometimes i do need that choice, just to let myself know where i am at. i watched 'when harry met Sally' the other night. a lot of the movie made sense to me. almost like i was meant to watch it so i would know what to do with the situation im in right now. Harry says to Sally 'a man and a women can not ever be friends if one of them is attracted to each other, not even if the women is married to someone else, and the man is married to someone else' so, basically, i cant be a friend to Fi, because i still want her, and she still wants me, i'm just sitting at home getting frustrated, and she's lying in bed getting frustrated. i dont know why i want her in my life anymore. i wanted to talk to her, i wanted to help her out, to be a friend... but the more i've talked to her and the more we've hung out over the past month and a bit, the more i've wanted to be with her. Im leaving for Blenheim in two weeks, im going to stay for two months. i want to forget. i want to come back here with no memory. i want to try. i have to try. i have to get one with my life, im shit, sure there's other girls that i have crushes on... but none of them... i dunno, its just not the same. maybe i'm just not giving them a chance. or they dont want to know me... i have emo baggage! go me... at the ripe age of 17... and i have emo baggage! fuck yea! how to tell someone you dont want to be friends with them anymore... maybe i'll write her a letter... or face to face? fuck it... whatver happens first i guess... if i see her before i leave then i'll do it then, if not ill just write a letter. forgive me. i dont know what else to do. i've only been participating for you, what to do now? live for the game? live for the race? live for the burn...for the total draining of going as hard as you can... maybe, maybe i'll just live for everyone else... maybe a little bit for me too. I was crying over you I am smiling I think of you Where your garden have no walls Breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell Nothing can compare To when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me Nothing can compare To when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me