fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

get thefuckoutofmyhead.

the cold in the air chills me from my nose first and then my exposed hands holding my book under the bedside lamps gaze. i switch to one hand at a time and bury my nose under duvet. i make it to the end of the chapter.

the wind blows dust around my eyes and i must squint and grit my teeth. i raise my head as the heavens surely thunder above. hard, sharp hail takes aim and pummels my shoulders, hands and neck. i find cover under a broad bushy tree. natures umbrellas.

i step off my bike and drop it to the grassy shore, my helmut is flung into the sand. i peel my jacket off, my sunglasses are caught in it and jab at me. i roll it and chuck it away. i unfasten my shoes and stride down the beach. two steps into the water, i breathe in deeply and dive. immediate full immersion and exhale through my nose as a glide towards the surface. its warm and the water is serene. my mind is serene.

the river flows fast but i stride through strongly. the otherside is steep so i sprint out. the track follows a beach forest ridge and i make haste on the way up. the hour is late. i am late. the open tussock ridge comes at first as a glimpse in a clearing, and then further up i meet the wind there. blowing my from the north. guiding me west i loose everything else in the fog even my cool head, my way, and a few tears, but i have the wind, always, i have the wind. and it guides me to the biv, my haven for the night.

the grass is frozen solid. it crunches underfoot. the ball skids now and the sweat in my hair freezes. its the coldest day in ten years. my friend is cold and stops running after the ball. we play on. we follow the ball. his lips are blue and he barely talks when the adults take him away. what happened to him?

the heat of the day draws us to the water park. the diving boards bend and groan all day. its the best. the water slide runs are unending and exhilarating. after a lunch of hot chips and T-sauce we swim in the big pool. we notice a starfish but move on to the deep end. i tread water like a dog and feel threatened. i swim to the edge. my starfish still floats, unmoving, upside down now. i scream when my mind makes sense of it. adults rush in. she is dragged to the edge and lifeguards carry gas bottles. what happened to her?

be brave to the end. run hard to the end. listen. feel. dream above all else. for just a bit of clarity. please. at least once a day anyway.