One hand is hot, from holding chips. One hand is cold from holding a drink. i push them together and lock my fingers. it is pleasant.

you said you wanted to cuddle, but i had other plans. you pushed me away, i said "i feel rejected", you said "why? because i want to cuddle? why cant we just cuddle", i said "because i dont want to just cuddle you i thought we were getting intimate and now im all hyped up..." you said "so you feel rejected because im not keen? dont be sad... its just sex it doesnt mean anything..." i said "what? ... i'm getting a shower, think about what you just said"

how could that happen? i did feel rejected. i often do. if sex didn't mean anything then why am i not just spending time shagging another person or anyone else? if it didnt mean anything that wouldnt hurt our relationship, but i know it would. i know it would. so dont say that.

i know what you are thinking... cuddling is just a nice thing, why do you always want to have sex? i dont its just i had just woken up, i do cuddle you all the time! in my bed when i just woke up, and you're naked beside me, its very beautiful and i get aroused. i want to be with you. and thats why i felt rejected, we had nothing else to do that morning if you want an excuse to bail out you didnt have one. you just barred up for no reason?

i do cuddle i do. we had spent the night on the couch cuddling. i made jelly. i got her flowers. i made a card. i did stuff. i made my bed. i did the little things. DECLINED.

it doesnt make me like her. in fact it makes her unappealing when i have to talk to her about shit. what the fuck. i get nauseous feelings when i think about her when im mad at her. i feel like im out of love and time for us. and that was just yesterday. today i have to make up with her. make it right. sort it out. find a compromise. say im sorry. forgiveness. healing. why get wounded just stop going there in the first place. dont give it up, get out of the situation.

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So as i got older, i grew less bolder, but i did get a thicker skin, and i did learn how to sin

and as i grew, the less i realised i knew, and the more i felt like a kid, and that life is a bottle with no lid

you tip it over and knowledge and experiences pour out, but there's always some left that doesnt exit the spout

and it's that last remaining liquid which eventually drains, by being patient and holding fast like a chain, it drips onto your tongue and down your throat, and now you know the last key note

in an octave of life that you can now play by wrote.

but there is a lidless bottle for everything you do, and everything you don't.and while some bottles contain other bottles, some bottles won't.

and sometimes the only way to get the octave is by drinking another bottle which you though wasn't connected but then the light bulb flicks on and you hold the knowledge captive.

you watch as the light shines through, and there it is all laid out before you.

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i remember the first bottle i drank from, but didn't empty until recently. i was ten when i first felt anger and i punched a boy. i remember being barely provoked but i lost control. during high school this happened again once, i was pushed and i snapped and hit another boy in the face. last year i was frustrated and in disbelief so i pushed another boy. this year i have finally cracked it. i stomped on a boy after he took me out unfairly. i noticed how i was feeling and its the same each time, its a knee jerk reaction that says leave me alone. when im doing what i feel is right and become blocked or taken out of my path i get frustrated and if possible react with aggression.

i dont think of my self as aggresive. i dont want to hurt anybody. i dont see the point. but in those situation to diffuse my rage, it happens. i dont think i conciously do it. because afterwards im like "what the fuck did i just do". its subconcious and its looking our for number one.

so i now i have recognised these feelings while they are happening. i can hopefully discipline myself and push them away and regain control. i need to control the lust. and use it proficiently.

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life. oh life. are we just spirits that evolved a bioshell to interact with earth. or a bioshell that evolved a spirit to while away the hours with a bit more fun than just waiting for dinner?