i wish i could see you but you're not here i wished it a thousand time but you're still not here wishin and hoping and coming up with nothing. i guess what im feeling is that i need a hug. i have three very important exams in the next two weeks and i already feel underprepared even though i have another week and half to prepare! surely i have enough time to turn my mindset around! i mean. i want to be confident walking into the exams and the only way im going to feel that way is if am prepared. but so far its not going the way i want it too. the last week at the library i have been very mind wandery. and future introspectionary. well i've been thinking too much in the wrong direction is what i mean. i close my eyes and look up at the sky and when i look back down the world is gone and i'm in a void surrounded by blinding lights and they twinkle a bit, and one of them is red and so i follow the red one the red one leads me to a clearing and the world is back and im in a clearing and i walk, faintly i see the red light and i see it but when i get closer its gone im on a tight wire somehow i dont look down i just dont i look to you because you're there and you smile and i smile and you spread your wings and i spread my arms and i walk the tight rope i arrive to your hot breath on my ear and i wake up and the kitten is licking my ear. anyway. today i think i realsied that i need to dig it in nexy week. for the boys. and for my future even if i dont really know where im going. i read two books this week for the first time in ages. reading for leisure is like climbing out of boredom... and into a good place. other people's words speak to me of their soul or whatever it is a little bit of their personality. its funny what you can learn about some one , or think you know if you met them from their writing. we write what we know i guess. i wonder if people can write without showing their hand. probably people can act like something they're not. writing is a skill though. hmmm! pig snout, you're out! mary mary quite contrary sally sells sea shells on the sea shore betty botter bought some butter but she said the butters bitter and if she put that butter in her batter it will make her batter bitter, so betty botter bought a bit of better butter to make a bit of better batter! tennineeightsevensixfivefourthreetwoone ZERO blast off at the speed of light(yeah right?) t'was the night of the fight he was ready tensed up and pumped blood was circulating and his heart thumped his eyes blinked but his mind was miles away he was thinking of a girl he'd met here last may she was nice, and knew when to smile she was calm, and had great style her name escaped him but it was near he could hear it echo, from over there but his image of her faded to red, a blurry red he was falling while making a groan like the living dead this isnt right his head said get up! its not time for bed its tennineeightsevensixfive its time wake up, to be alive now he knows he's in the ring that he's figthing something so he stands ready for war fist clenched, clenched jaw his eyes focus and there she is in the crowd he yells her name but she cant hear its much to loud he takes another hit now, but does not go down he grimaces, and faces this man from out of town the kind of guy that he's always engaging the kind of guy that goes down with one swing one mighty thud of his magnum to splinter his core, to shatter his sternum and he yells it now loud and clear he says jessica i love you, come up here and she rushes from her seat and into the ring and they embrace and their hearts share everything