i am made of space and nothingness and yet i am solid. i am made real by nothing. i am then nothing really. i have friends, i cant understand it but i have friends. who are these other nothings that mean so much to me. balls of skin and hair and beautiful eyes and intelligent thoughts and caring gestures. what is it all.

memories are fucking with my head. i dont want to be enslaved by them, but they are tied so tightly to my emotions some of them anyway. pulling at my heart. making me sad. making me think about how good i felt. am i healing yet? am i still in denial? love hurts and heals. it is hard letting go of the one thing ill never replace. nevers to strong, i will love again! just not like that. and i guess thats what makes me sad. but i want to get on with it but the bloody memories and feelings arent letting me get away with it so easily. its like its a physical thing, its my subconcious that is doing it.

i am not actively thinking about it, it will just pop into my head, and then escalation. subconcious is powerful, that bastard, he is the real me, i must get to know him? are we one and the same. how can i claim to be who i am if i dont know if i am my subconcious. if i am this body. if i am this nothingness.

can you tell someone who is hurting, who you hurt... that you are hurting to. i feel like i need to tell her. i keep thinking about her. do i need to hear her voice? and seal the deal? i dont know. i dont know if she is hurting after all. maybe she is fine. im a sucker for jealousy. the whole time. always? why?

jealousy comes from... what is she thinking, who is this she is talking to, why does she talk when i am here. am i not enough? i dont need this feeling. ever. i dont want to ever have it again. if i do, i will say it straight away, it is the most horrible feeling to keep inside. i hate it. i dont like how i act when i am feeling this way. i focus on her deviation, rather than our issues. this is wrong. i think this is key.

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ok, well i am ok now. single.