its pretty cold. im sobering up. its late. my eyes are tired and hot. my headphones are getting uncomfortable. and i need to sleep because its almost time to get up. but i dont know what to do.

i said i didnt love you. i said i fell out of love with you when you broke my heart. and i wanted to see you again, because maybe i did still love you. but i know now i don't. not the way i used to. i said that to your face. and you cried. and i dont know why we are still together. i said i am trying to love you again, trying to make a new love. but you are the same person and i end up doing the same things i did last time. and those things dont make me love you, they make me unlove you a lot.

how can i change my approach to you. the old way was all i knew. its been six months of bad habits? whats the point in trying to love you again. i cant. do i even want to. do i even want to love you again. do i want to be with you again. im happy right now? driffting along with you somewhere in my heart. but not all of my heart. i miss you, and my heart aches when i think about this stuff. so you do hold my heart well. but not all of it. im mentally tired of it, i get squeemish now as i think about it. should i move on? do i need a change? its been... three years... and im with you, but i dont love you... you love me though. i know you do. and you never stopped loving me even when you broke up with me. because you didnt break up with me, you left me. i was the only thing that broke. you broke us. you broke me. im trying to fix myself but i cant do it. not anymore. its been six months too long and now it hurts. it hurts me now.

i need something. i need a eureka. i need to find an answer. in my self. maybe i should head inside ...

why cant i love you? i dont want to get hurt again? no, im not so much afraid of that. i dont want to be with you anymore? then why does it still hurt a lot to begin down that path? why am i still attached? is that my new love? im unendingly attracted to you. just not you.

why dont i love you now? i asked you to let me try, and you said ok. was it because you were crying, and i just wanted to sleep... or did i mean it?

bah humbug.

is it meaningless, what i say to you? its hard for me to articulate it. but i get there eventually. why do i want to keep trying to fall in love with you? it was awesome. but it also had a lot of tough times. i think its time we pulled the plug. i think its time we fell in love.