Thursday, 4:11 p.m.   Bare It's good to know you're okay. I've been listening to this cd all day Even though it makes me think of you. And then I got home and got online just to see if you were. You weren't but I got that e-mail and it was almost as good. You know I love you... Of course, you, Did you think I'd forgotten about you? That can't happen, I love you! Our mall pictures with my puffy face are in my carryon suitcase as we speak. And I thought about you all morning, I'm sorry I thought about him too, but I have enough empty headspace to think about the both of you; I hope you don't mind. I sat there and desperately thought about how I could go to your house tonight and we could have a sleep over, just you and me, and it would have been really cool; I know that and you know that. It's such a pity that I'm so stupid and ruined our plans. I feel my chest has been ripped open and now I'm bare, you can see right through my translucent skin and see my heart beating, slow and steady. You'll stare at it for a long time, mesmerized by the rhythmic badump, badump. It would never occur to you that something so steady could just stop if it wanted to. All of a sudden, it's badump, badump, badump, ba-----------, a broken spell. While you're watching my heart beating it's slow cadence, notice at least that it's not really as steady as it might seem. Sturdy and Steady and Trustworthy at first glance, but watch, I'm getting scared of my translucent skin and ripped open chest and now my slow heart is getting faster, little by little. Then it's racing. It'll be a while before it's back to its supposedly steady slow schedule. I think it's time to take a nap. Before I find some tears to set free. ----------------- July 2, Friday, 12:21 a.m. It's so hard even to say goodnight on the internet because I don't know when the next time I'll talk to him will be. I love him so much...I never even noticed. I remembered when I used to be kinda apprehensive about it all, not so long ago, I didn't think I'd ever be able to like him as much as he liked me but now...now i wonder how I ever liked CJ more. dating my imaginary friend. But scott was there for me anyway. Why he continued to put up with my crap I'll never know, but I'm glad he did. I fell for him, and that's that. Sorry Ceej, you can't come back. I saw you recently and gave you a hug but it was a hug between friends. I didn't even get butterflies or anything. You're a cute guy but it just won't work between us. I'll always wish you were someone else and that's not fair to any of us. Saying goodnight to him is like having that hole in my chest get bigger and bigger, deep breaths resa deep breaths.