Wednesday, 12:08 a.m.   I love so much I used to want to be this ice queen who felt nothing, just used and went on with life and had some good make out sessions with random people and ditched them later. But I have this taste of warmth and love and caring and even though it hurts like something horribly painful sometimes, the good is so worth it. I wish other people could know this because it's so good. I decided I take my parents for granted too much. they really do love me and even though they piss me off a lot I love them too. My dad can be overbearing and stupid sometimes but he has taught me more than anyone about science and math. I don't know. If they died tomorrow, .... I don't know. I don't think I could take it. They are so much to me, they feed me and clothe me and shelter me and keep me warm. I wonder if they know how much I appreciate them right now. so many of my friends have such broken relationships with their parents...It makes me appreciate mine so much more. It makes me proud to be a good kid for them. I'm glad they brought me up to choose what beliefs to take and I'm glad they never forced me into anything, really. It seems like I have a greater sense of being because I know that everything I chose is not influenced that much by my parents. And I know why I'm choosing what I choose. Anyway. It seems everyone's having their little breakdowns right now...I hope I can help them. I love them all so much. Goodbye ice queen. you're cool but you're not me. I'm me and I can't help being a warm open person. Myrrhaya and i had a cool conversation in the car on the way home from church last Sunday. We talked about stupid people having babies and about how raising children must be really hard... Someday, maybe I'll change my mind about children. I kind of want a little girl one day named December Marie and I would want her to be like me. You know...Virgin, non-drug using, intelligent young woman. I would want her to grow up in a loving environment when I'm physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally ready for a child and my husband is too. Because of course before I had a baby I'd get married. So first I have to get over my fear of weddings. But enough of this sappy gross talk about marriage and babies. Ew. I just wonder what it would be like if scott and I had met in college and not in high school and what if we got married and waited seven years before we had any kids...I don't know. My parents aren't perfect but whose are? they love me unconditionally. That's all I need. I'm tired. Please feel better. ------------------ 8:53 a.m. I really hate being woken up. I really do Especially to take drugs and to be told that my room's not clean enough and that I need to spend the day resting and cleaning. And I hate looking in the mirror and seeing a face that isn't mine, no it looks more like Carli B.'s because she's fat and annoying and kind of ugly. She wears too much make up and tries too hard to make friends when everyone knows she talks about everyone behind their back. She's the kind of person that you don't trust to tell secrets to because no matter how innocent a secret it is, she'll distort it and tell the school. I remember when she asked me why Levi and I broke up and I knew that she was only asking because she had a crush on him and I said, "I don't know, it just wasn't working out I guess" and I hoped that she wouldn't tell anyone because I Try not to be rude and ignore even the people who deserve to be ignored.. But I still hate seeing her fat puffy cheeks in my mirror on the face that belongs to me. I also hate making new entries for some reason. I don't know why. It seems like all my words for a day should go in one entry recently, but I know that can't happen, because I have too many words and eventually I'll give in and make a new entry. But not yet. I think I'm just writing for the sake of writing now. I love to write even though I have nothing real to say. I want to be entertaining but it's hard to entertain off of nothing I guess. I have my thoughts but I don't know where they are right now. I feel empty headed. Maybe they rushed with all the lymphatic fluid to my cheeks and I have to put ice on my cheeks to keep the swelling down. When I picture my face in my head I'm beautiful and I look like normal but then i look in the mirror. It's a dirty pleasure to see my fat face and think of someone fat who I don't like and I don't know why. Maybe because I sometimes enjoy shooting myself down.     Maybe I'm a horrible person and i sometimes enjoy shooting other people down. Oh dear... -------------------- 10:42 a.m. It's STILL morning. I'm STILL poofy. My room is STILL messy. Scott is STILL away. I think these meds are reducing my appetite. I don't feel hungry at all and all I've had to eat today were some chunks of cookie, part of a banana, and a glass of milk. Because I know what I ate today is so important to people. Well it's important to me and that's why I wrote it. La la la. I STILL can't believe it's STILL morning. I'm overusing the word "Still" poor Still. --------------- 3 minutes later Dear poo. Sometimes I want to just get rid of everything and start all over, but I am too attached to these material things like this lava lamp that has no sentimental value and all these books I never read anymore and so much else...and even more attached to the less material things, like these pictures here and this bouquet of roses and the like. What can I do with it all? It all seems helter skelter. I think I'll put these pictures in a box and pack them tight and be careful with them and take them with me to New Zealand. I'll take clothes, these cameras, these pictures...this ring on my right ring finger, the cross from the necklace that my grandma gave me for christmas... I don't know. Maybe some books. No movies. I wonder how much music. Someone has to burn me some of The Used and things because I'm deprived. but back to cleaning my room...ooh! my black nail polish... So anyway I was thinking about one of my best friends Sara, you know. My Yin, my oposite. I read her journal a few days ago and she was so excited to not be in town and to go places with her friends who I guess she's known longer than me so I don't know... But she was so excited to have all these plans and not be in town at all in june except for like 5 days and I feel kind of jealous that I'm not included in any of her plans and it cuts me really deep to think that she's mad at me because I spend so much time with Scott. It hurts even more to think that maybe she doesn't even care. And that she wouldn't mind at all if she didn't see me for the next month and then all of the next year. And I know that I love her and I'll miss her and I would cry but I need to make her her birthday present and give her back her boxers. I promised myself that I wouldn't give back her boxers until I made her birthday present so I wouldn't forget. dah. I love my Sara my yin. I miss her already. ---------------- 12:42 p.m. It's finally afternoon. But I haven't accomplished anything It sucks that Scott's online but he's awayand I don't know where he is. I wanted to tell him about a blink 182 song that I liked and stuff because he listens to blink 182. And I've only heard two songs. so he should put a blink 182 cd on the mp3 cd that he has to make for me. :) Mmm, listening to Our Lady Peace really loud in my room and pretending to clean. It's fantastic fun. I have not a single thought in my head and it's driving me insane. I am ugly today in my face and in my brain.