Wednesday, midnight   Idiot You'd think I'd learn. I know my daddy loves me. I deserved to be yelled at. I deserved all my priveledges to be taken away. I made my daddy who loves me and my mommy who loves me worry about me and I feel like a horrible daughter. I let my parents down and I love them. I let Sara down and I love her. I let Scott down and I love him. I let Katherine, Craig, everyone down. And most of all I let myself down. I have this stupid sixteen-year-old complex, which gives me the false sense that I'm invincible and I can do anything. I can't. I -know- I can't. Why am I so immature?! Why do I do things I know I shouldn't? Why Didn't I Just Call? I'm not sure if my Daddy knows how much I appreciate it that he's trying really hard not to be grouchy and grumpy. I told him I was sorry that I illegally drove Katherine places and went to scott's without calling and that I made him worry so much. He hugged me for a long time. I took a break in between fits and crying to eat. I watched some of the simpsons with my dad and then I looked at the clock and knew Scott was supposed to go to bed at 11:30 or something and it was almost 10:30 and I wasn't allowed to use the phone or the computer and a letter I wrote wouldn't get to him in time. I curled up on my bed and pulled on my hair and tried so hard to stop saying "no!" over and over again, and finally I just went downstairs and found daddy in his office on the floor doing bills or something and I asked him if please please please I could get on the computer and tell him good-bye because he's leaving tomorrow to go to california. He asked me what time, I said 5:30, he asked me a.m. I shook my head and he said p.m. and suggested I invite him over for--but I cut him off, he's going to Craig's tomorrow. And what would we invite him over for, tea and crumpets? I mean, we eat dinner around 9 p.m. and lunch tomorrow's a no-go; we have field day in blue creek. He told me I could get online. I got on he wasn't there and I started crying... again... and my daddy came up and said "is he not online?" and I shook my head and he said "would you like to call him?" more than anything I want to hear his voice but I don't know how I could call him, I kind of don't have the inability to speak. I shook my head and I cried on his shoulder and he rubbed my back and then got up and left. I feel like Screaming. If I were home alone, I would. I'm not kidding. It's not fair, it's not fair it's not fair... Why'd I have to go falling in love, why'd I have to go about meeting the coolest guy I've ever known, why'd I have to go and find out that he liked me too, why why why why I'm in tears, so many tears, my nose doesn't work, it feels numb, my whole face is red and puffy, so many tears so many damned tears crying myself into a black abyss someone might call hell and it's not fair and nothing is fair and life's not fair and they always tell you that and relationships in high school never last and so what, so we'd break up like normal people, but no, we have to throw a couple of thousand miles of land and ocean in between us and I won't see him again for another year and you don't know how horrible I feel. I don't know what to write. It doesn't seem right to just type on and on about how much I can't stand life right now; it's so angsty and typical and I should just quit while I'm ahead but I don't know what I'm going to do We've talked every single day since at least May 1. Now we won't be able to. It just... it just... seems hard. very very hard. And then what if he does call my from EFY? He might be able to hold in his tears but I know I won't be able to. And then he'd waste minutes on a phone card listening to me cry or something and it would be nice to hear his voice but.... I hope he does call and I hope I have the ability to talk back. God please help me through this, I love that boy, thank you for giving me the opportunity to meet him, I really hope that you're there for me God because I need you now to help me through this hard time, I love that boy, God, he's one of my best friends, he'd never hurt me God (on purpose), he's good to me, can you please just...I don't know. Help me? Thanks, in your son Jesus Christ's name, amen. amen amen amen please. ----------------- 12:45 a.m. Sometimes I want to pour my soul into your vast space, but at other times I want to take a knife and slash up my computer screen, thinking maybe that will have killed you. knowing it didn't. just because I ruined a $600 monitor doesn't mean the server is ruined. I mean, more ruined than it already is. I was thinking about all these memories that I have stashed away with these entry titles that have nothing to do with the entry themselves, just there to know how many of them there are. I should back them up because sD might die any day. hmm. memories that hurt, memories that heal, funny memories, happy memories, sad memories... significant or insignificant, this is my life. These words are from my brain. these feelings are from my heart.