Saturday, 1:27 p.m.   Wishes and The Word, "Sad" Whenever I'm tempted to use the word "sad" in my current "feeling:" location, I just leave it blank, because I tire of looking at my entries and seeing "sad" "sad" "sad" "sad" And I try to think about something happy because then I could use a different mood, but so few ever apply to me, just "sad" and "happy" and "giggly," sometimes. Because Sad is a sad word and when you look at it you picture a frowny face or a teardrop and you are subconsciously less happy than you were. At least that's how it works for me. So I just avoid it now. Because too many things make me sad,these last few days I have, and that word is one of those many things. I wish that I lived close to Walmart, then I could just take random night walks to Walmart and then random night walks to Scott's house because he lives close to Walmart too. I could ride my bike to his house, but I couldn't ride it back, it's all downhill to his house and it's all uphill back to mine. I wish my parents would have let me hang out with Katherine more at Katherine's house because we could have gone to Lowe's and gotten our supplies with which to take over the world. We didn't. But I don't think anyone knows how much I want to do this. No one realizes how badly I need plywood and red and black paint, nails, and yarn. I had a wonderful dream last night that my mommy took me to lowe's and got me whatever I asked for. And little buckets of paint were only 75 cents. I'll miss you, sD. And your downtime. And I hope you never go away because I want to keep these memories and thoughts forever. Because some of these memories are polaroids and will fade and distort with time and I'll wonder what I was thinking on that day. Maybe. Maybe I'll just put them all in notepad and keep them stored on my harddrive. I don't know how often I'll be able to update when I'm in New Zealand, hopefully a lot because I don't want to change without everyone knowing, I want them to remember me. I mostly want them to remember me, anyways. A sick twisted part of me only wants a few people to remember me and to everyone else, I'll kind of drift out of their life and they'll forget I was ever there. Two weeks from today. And I didn't bother looking up all my old friends and saying "goodbye" one last time. I don't think I'll even call Aubrey or Holly or Katie. five days. And I can't even see Scott today. I don't think my parents know he's leaving before me. Oh well. OH WELL?! OH WELL?! Who am I today?! He's going to San Diego and we have to break up, I don't want to, I wish we didn't have to, but there's just no real other way. He might even move to San Diego to live there for a year and then he'll meet some pretty talented girl who can skate and play videogames and will be better than me in a billion different ways because he deserves that...and I'm so scared... I don't know. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me. All my friends like him. He was my friend before we were going out and even when we were broken up because of that stupid three month CJ thing. But he was my friend. I hope he'll always be my friend. Things I'll miss when I'm gone: -Friends -Walking hand-in-hand with the boy I have a crush on into a jewelry store and laughing inside at the lovely employees who shove wedding ring packages under our noses -Watching two of my close friends holding hands in public -Sleepovers the night before homecoming -Hanging out in Hot Topic with Sara -Asking random people if they think I'm pretty -Crying during swimpractice -Wet hugs -Excuses not to swim (I'm hydrophobic) -My Shower -This bouquet of drying roses -Seeing familiar faces -This Chair -My Wall -Locker C39 -Being Sara's TWINNER -Sharing vegetarian sandwhiches and smoothies at Einstein's with Kajsa -Impulse buying at Walmart with Katherine -Kissing Scot -Sitting all alone with Scott at his house and Just Playing Videogames -Carpe Diem, the car Things I Hate -Cold Sores. I think I'm coming down with one. It sucks, now I can't kiss scott, assuming I'll be able to see him before Wednesday. I think I'm going to cry. -New People. I am a generally friendly person, and people usually like me when they meet me, but I'm so scared of them. I remember going to Edith Bowen, the only reason I went was because there were a few girls that I knew from Girl Scouts. I was scared of going to Middle School because there wasn't anyone from Edith Bowen going except AJ, Geoff, and a few other kids; but I wasn't even friends with any of them. And man the day before my first day at SV, I was scared because of all the new older kids who were going to be mean to us and it was just a scary experience. -Cold Feet. It's just so uncomfortable when your feet are cold there are others, for sure, but I'm trying not to focus on them... I wish everything could stay the same... ----------------- 2:21 p.m. Maybe I'll start a band, of what genre I don't know, because I don't want to stick to the rules of a genre and play nothing but one certain kind of music. I'll write lyrics and come up with melodies and maybe even sing. Once upon a time there was a boy