Thursday, 9:27 p.m.   This Familiar White Box I find myself at this page more than half the time I'm on the internet. Sad. But I enjoy myself so everyone else can go cry about it or something if they don't like it. Today, I went to the Mall with Sara and we got headbands with fake hair and took pictures and they are so very cute. Well, she is anyway, my face is all puffed up...dah! And I gave her her CDs and her boxers that I stole and hehehehehhehehe. She was so happy and it made me happy. yay! Mmmmm...And then I went home, got on the net for a few minutes, talked to Katherine for like a minute and my mom and took my sister to her horseback riding lesson and went to Katherine's to pick her up to go to a fundraiser for The Boys and Girls Club. Mmm, community service that I do for kicks and giggles. Man I am such a good person. I was kind of expecting to hang out at her house or something for the next hour before we actually had to be there but she was ready to go and so we went to Scott's house. Yay! And he was in pj pants and a tee shirt and he was unshaven. And Skinny, man is that kid skinny. I love him though, more than I can express. And I really don't mind the facial hair that much...it's actually kind of cool sort of. but still, clean shaven is good... Yeah. He downloaded a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Game for his XBox but it was stupid because it was the New Ninja Turtles and not the cool Old ones from the early 90s. So it was lame even though the graphics are way better than the graphics were in the '93 nintendo version. Hehe! oh I love that game. This is so mindless it's boring even me. But you know the best was sitting on Scott's beautiful soft bed and resting my head in his lap and watching him with his Xbox. Katherine was there too and she didn't seem to mind, and I was glad because I didn't want to get up and have to play. The other best was sitting in his chair and trying to sign in my MSN on his computer and still watching him downloading and uploading everything and all the things to his beloved gaming tool and it's beloved to me just because it's beloved to him. And his arm was around my shoulder and he was bent over me and it was wonderful. And another best was just playing mariokart a game of nintendo 64, and his head was resting on my shoulder and I could just touch his face and make sure he was still there. And also last night when we were at Dan's house watching Big Fish and he was breathing and his hot life breath was tickling my right ear and I wished right then that my mouth weren't swollen so I could have just turned and kissed him in all his beauty and he is beauty and I love him. It was a best. I talk about him so much, it must be annoying but I don't care because I love him right? This feeling is addictive and maybe some day I'll regret being so alive like this at such a young age but I hope I never will because it seems such a foolish thing to regret when I'm having the time of my life living right now. And I don't know. I wouldn't call this lust because I would spend night after night asleep in the same bed as him and not have sex or anything because it would be time with him and it would be knowing that he was right there and if I had a profound thought or an epiphany he would be right there and I could wake him up and tell him. And isn't lust just some physical thing where you want someone's body and things because he or she is sexy and hott and that is lust, and lust is not the same as love...And I don't have lust. Not for him. I would call it love. But maybe I'm just a foolish little girl who doesn't know anything. Either way I'm enjoying myself and I'm not getting myself into predicaments which would be difficult to get out of, like pregnancy or getting a sexually transmitted disease/infection, commitment, marriage, etc. I'm sixteen for crying out loud. ah, deep breaths... Sometimes I feel really bad when I look at boys and think "man oh man that guy is hott" but then afew minutes later I find myself thinking about how much I wish I was with Scott. And the only time I ever look at other boys when I'm with Scott is when we're watching movies and the men are on the screen. Movie stars who are fake and it's like falling in love with cartoons. Everyone has a movie star crush but no one ever follows through with it so it's an innocent thing. But I wonder how often Scott looks at other girls and thinks "wow she's so hott" and I hope he does sometimes because it would be unnatural if he never did and I'm not a jealous person at all. When it comes to boys. I HATE YOU KATHERINE YOU'RE SO FREAKING PRETTY! when I was an 8th grader I was an ugly little freak. I hate having huge puffy cheeks because I don't see me when I look in the mirror. I was holding cups of ice cubes on my cheeks today at the Boys and Girls Club thing because I was bruised. Heh. Thomass made me feel bad and I was mad at him for much of the night but I decided to forgive him and I was really tired and wishing I was with Scott and stuff. Because I'm lame like that. friendships that turn into relationships are the best, I think. La la la. I have a one track mind scott scott scott. Except today when I was hanging out with Sara I was thinking of that time before Homecoming when we went shopping together and had soooo much fun and I got the sweetest outfit...*sigh* and all our other good memories, Sara my best friend since 8th grade, yay. I missed her so much and was so happy that she was happy.