Tuesday, 11:02 p.m.   Crumpled Treehouses and Shattered Merry-Go-Rounds I love this song. I might actually start crying. Which wouldn't be that big of a deal since it happens so often. Scott confessed to me that he made out with a stranger. Man I am so jealous. I wanted to make out with a stranger, but nooo the good boy who felt guilty got to! Oh well. I feel bad because he didnt' even enjoy it. That is so it. I am making out with a stranger. I wonder where I will find one. I wonder if Simon constitutes as a stranger? Hahaha! I'm so funny. Dan dan, you count as a stranger because I've never met you in real life. !! Hmm, I suppose I can't name any strangers though, because then they wouldn't really be all that strangery. Hmm. I vow that I will kiss a stranger before I come back to the U.S. To-Do List: Join Swimming Club Talk to Simon one-on-one Kiss (hopefully make out with) A stranger Maybe learn how to waltz? That would rock. Maybe Simon can teach me? I kind of wish I could talk to Nik about Simon but that would be just overly obvious. And boys suck at keeping that kind of thing all hush hush. And it's mean kind of to talk to boys about other boys, I think. I -try- not to do it but sometimes I can't help it. Sorry. Hmm. I can help it this time though. Ooh oh. I had the strangest feeling today. When Scott was fessing up. He said I wouldn't like it but he felt guilty and he wanted me to know the truth? So I told him to tell me? And I already knew it was bad And he said something about Mike and Nikki going into Mike's bedroom and it was like. oh. gross. Please don't tell me they had sex. So he didn't. Dammit, now I'll never know. but that's not the point. That is not the point. The point is when he said that he had something to tell me that I wouldn't like, I already knew what it was. My heart sped up to 3 times its normal rate. My entire body went all tingly. It was so strange. Like I wanted to cry but didn't want to cry and couldn't even if I tried? And my face felt flushed, my neck went all stiff, I don't know. It was a very very sad feeling. It was kind of like an adreniline rush with an extra powerful punch of sad. It was a feeling I've never ever experienced before. I will label it as the feeling you get at the moment you realise that it's over and has been for a long time. Because a feeling's just not any good unless it's labeled. So am I a jealous bitch or am I being cool about it? Before he got it all out, and I already knew what it was, I was sitting here consoling myself. "Teresa," I said, "Teresa, it's okay. Isn't this kind of what you wanted? For the both of you to have new experiences? Teresa, This is exactly what you wanted. Teresa," I said, "Teresa, You would have done it in a heartbeat. You wouldn't even feel guilty. You wouldn't even tell him." So Maybe I am a jealous bitch, And Maybe I'm taking it really well. And Maybe I just suck at being a girlfriend/ex-girlfriend. I'm still in love with him, but I promise you now we aren't getting married. At times like this when I find fault in everyone, I wonder if I'll ever be able to get married like my parents. They'll be celebrating their 24th anniversary this May and tonight my dad kissed my mom on the neck and sometimes they even hold hands in public. And they fight a lot but it's not that horrible, it just gets really tense and kind of hurts, but it's always over soon. Give it a few minutes to cool off and it'll all be okay. Do I just have to learn how to deal with faults? How do I know who's the right one? I know I used to say I didn't wanna get married? But I think it would be really lonely being all old and wrinkly and not having anyone to laugh at me for being old and wrinkly, and that I could laugh at for also being old and wrinkly. And I want to wake up next to the same person for ever and ever. Maybe I'm just a romantic, But obviously this isn't an impossible practice. Look at my parents. Look at old married people -- like my grandparents. Look at this family my parents have raised. We're not perfect, but we are damn near it. We love each other and We all live in the same house, my parents still sleep in the same bed. We have a dog, three cats, and friends. There's a mortgage on our house, on our new car, we've got a garden and a lawn, and we are. The American Dream. Welcome to my life. Isn't it perfect? I'm sorry, I didn't pick. I'm sorry I don't know all your pain because my parents are still in love. That's not my fault. And if it is, it's still theirs for having me. Pff. Depression is so trendy. But that's a rant for a different day.