Saturday, 4:16   WHEEEEEe.aj.fad[bha.dfkghal;sdj I'm crazy! I mowed the lawn today. Daah. It was hot. At least I thought to put on sunscreen this time. SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE MY TICKET TO BATTLE OF THE BANDS it looks so lonely sitting there and it makes me sad knowing I can't go... Stupid me. stupid being grounded. I need to learn how to think. I hate stupid people. I hate myself. I wrote in my unknown diary today. first time since March. Mostly my random thoughts go in there. The ones no one would understand or the ones I don't want anyone to know about... isn't that strange? For such an open person and still having private entries and secrets I won't tell anyone and MAN AM I HUNGRY. See, my mood is crazy for a reason. I'm anxious. I don't really want to meet people from New Zealand. My daddy really makes it impossible for me to not think bout going there. every other thing out of his mouth is New Zealand. Be it Rugby, school, where to live...I don't know. It's just...I don't know. Kajsa made me feel better though. It -is-, after all, a once-in-a-lifetime chance that most people never get. And that doesn't make it any less hard. Kirri made me feel better too. Maybe leaving will be really hard but you know what? She told me something, "If it's love, let it go. If it comes back, then you know." I'll remember you forever and always. My friends. I love you. I asked my daddy about a barbecue and he said okay. but I need a headcount. keep friday night open and tell me if you can come. please try. --------- 10:00 p.m. My friend e-mailed me today. Sarah G. my fifth grade friend! Eee! We've grown apart. Different interests, different friends, different extracurricular activities, different schools until now.... contributions to pushing people apart. She was always the shy meek one, kayleigh was the crazy early-bird-gets-the-worm type, and I was the hyperactive obnoxious one. And we were inseparable. But time wears away at these ships of friends and eventually they erode away. Some faster than others. We were in girlscouts together in 6th and 7th and 8th and part of 9th grades.... I quit because of swimming. Kayleigh quit in seventh because she moved..and she's still active where she is. She'll get a gold award and be such a talented musician and where will I be? Sarah ... I don't know if she's in girl scouts anymore. Maybe she's an independent. She's a debater and she'll learn some really good speaking skills. Maybe someday she'll be a senator or something. And where will I be? I have no talent. I want to major in Environmental Toxicology and minor in nutrition. Someday I'll probably be the fat wife of a fat man with 2 kids who will probably be fat, too. My extracurricular activity of choice was the swim team. And I'm not even very good at it. But I kept with it just because once I start something I like to finish it. I wanted to keep swimming until senior year, even though I'm hydrophobic and kind of suck... But still. No talent. I take pictures of myself and it's my hobby. One day I want to go to a big city and sit on a bench and take pictures and pictures of people. I love taking pictures of people. But there's no way I'd ever want to be a studio photographer. Everything in a studio is forced and expensive. I have no real talent that will get me anywhere in life. I'm not good with computers, and I'm not exceptionally good with math. I'm not exceptionally good with biology. I'm not a linguist. I'm no good at poetry or writing. One day I will hopefully find a talent. One day. But for now I rack my brains and can't think of anything. I never keep with my obsessions as long as my friends do. I never really get -into- anything, either. everything is so expensive. I have a collection...I collect dimes....I have 134 in this coke bottle. But where is that going to get me? And if I ever come close to philosophizing, who cares? Maybe I made you pretend to think. So what? That's not going to get me anywhere. Please, I really don't want to be the fat wife of some fat guy with two kids and a minivan living in suburbia. I hate minivans and I want to be skinny and if I ever had children, I'd want one-- a little girl. And I'd name her December Marie. But it's hard to raise children. I've never tried but it looks and sounds hard. thinking about my future..or lack thereof...makes me sad.