4:44 Late Sunday Afternoon (12 December 2010)

I had a dream last night involving Japan Boy.

I dreamt that he came over while my husband and I were home and ...

well honestly I don't remember much from the details of the dream - that is, the situation, the setting, the dialogue - just..the feelings.

I remember JB was tall (probably taller than in real life), and had several small but meaningful tattoos. I remember he was warm and fit and handsome.

I remember feeling completely and absolutely and utterly rent. My soul and heart torn down the middle. I love him, in my dream, almost enough to leave my husband. and it hurts so much to dream something like that. to cheat on my husband, even emotionally, in a dream.

I woke up wondering if I loved JB because he reminds me of my husband - which is why I craved his attention so much when my husband and I were first living apart from each other, our senior years of high school ....or if I love my husband because he reminds me of JB (I met JB several years before I met my husband, and loved him then too. not in a pure love sort of way, but in the sort of way that a 14 year old girl can love a boy).

And then the memories from senior year came flooding back.

all those times I was just totally fooling myself - and him - but not my husband. Never telling JB I had a boyfriend, always telling my boyfriend when I was going out with JB (and fooling myself that by telling my boyfriend I was going to hang out with JB, it wasn't cheating)...

I had an emotional affair when i was 18. That sounds ridiculous, I know, and like "oh teenagers, whatever." but I had an emotional affair at the age of 18 with JB, who i am probably still a little in love with, behind the back of (or worse, right in front of) my boyfriend, who is now my husband.

I'm glad my husband loves me so much and I'm glad I love him so much... and I feel so much pain right now that he knew all along that I was this close to leaving him that year. and if JB hadn't gone to Japan while I was in New Zealand....
things might have ended up very very differently.

At least I know now why my husband hates JB so much.

And i know i'll still keep it to myself and never admit to him what he knows anyway.