Brian's funeral was nearly a week ago, i haven't had time to write about, but i made sure that i would. it was on the 26th of april at 11am at the community center...i hear that over 220 people rocked up to it. it is the first funeral that i have been to. it was fucking hard to keep it together while i was sitting there. listening to ppl talk about his short life and all that. there was one guy there, he is Janine's brother (i think) ...well his name is roger. he spoke so fucking well. that was the only time that i cried during the time they talked on brian and up until the time that they burried him. i don't know if thats a bad thing that i only cried once. anyways, roger spoke on behalf of Janine. rebecca spoke about her dad aswell. she did so fucking well. she stood in front of all those ppl and spoke clearly. she tells me that she was embarrassed about crying right at the end of her speech, but i think she can be forgiven for that. i can't believe how well she spoke, she has always told me she likes public speaking, but i didn't know she could do it under pressures like that. it was hard sitting there watching a family crying together. i didn't know brian that well, i won't pretend that we were best mates or any crap like that, but it didn't stop me from liking him. the funeral was bloody hard for me, but again i told myself to suck it up, cuz there were peopel that needed me to be strong more than me thinking about myself. i left becasue i had to be back in rainbow to give blood. we were just pulling into rainbow when i got a call from nadia, and she told me that it had been called off. i felt like a real hero..leaving rebecca alone when she would have liked me there with her...all for nothing. i still feel like an asshole. i have been reading about the 5 stages of grief. they are- shock and denial, inward anger, outward anger, depression and then acceptance. rebecca is sitting at outward anger at the moment. it is hurting me sooo bad. i am trying to keep a cool head, because i know that it is a stage she has to go through, but when she cuts me down when i try to help, it hurts. she don't know she is doing it...or she dosen't see how bad it is, and thats the way i want it. she has enough to worry about at the moment. i'm just being alittle bitch, but it makes me feel like all my trying to help is getting no where. i'm sure it isn't true, but right at the moment i am just in a brief moment of doubt.