let just say i'm not going to be too proud about this entry, or really my actions that i am going to be writing about. we were playing soccer on tuesday (yesterday) and i was right wing. i was playing bloody good, so was the rest of our team. we were playing agaisnt the Jr. boys team, just getting practice before this thursday when the big matches are. the Jr. boys ended up going back to school and playing the girls team cuz we were thrashing them so bad. so we split the team up and played 5-a-side. all was going well and then i scored a beautiful goal. one of those ones that fire through in slow motion. perfection. i was about 4 steps into my victory run, when knobby decided to be a hero and trip me up. i would have taken it and had a laugh, but two things happened. one was that he thought he was king dick after it, i could see it in his beady little eyes. and the second thing was he cracked me right in my rolled ankle. as soon as he hit me i felt the beautiful pain come back that i had had the week before, and knew that it may limit my chance for the soccer on thursday. i lost control. i have always been proud of myself because i can control when i am pissed off and not re-act and do sumthing stupid. this time i lost it, and it scared me. i chased the fucker down and in full flight i kicked his legs out from under him. he hit the ground hard, but in my rage it wasn't enough. so i ran back to him and walked on his back with my footy stops...before giving him a swift kick to the back of the head. looking back now i can see that my kick wasn't hard, because he would have been much worse off than he was. footy stops to the back of the head would split it open and fuck u up hardcore as soon as i had finished my beautiful precision kick, i knew that i had fucked up big time. we finished the match. knobby didn't really play for much more of it. just sat on the ground. me lost in thought of what a dick i was..... i got back to school and told mrs petch. i knew i was in the wrong and was ready to take any punishment. only weak fuckers can't control their rage. mrs petch was good about it and told me not to worry too much and just go home. before i left she said- "u can't always control your self. sumtimes ppl just lose it. everyone does it." so today i got to school and she told me that i should be pro active and catch up with the teachers that would be involved in knwing what happened and if there was any punishment. so i caught up with the teacher that was at the game and told him my side of the story. i told it just as i have now. never once trying to shift the blame from me to knobby. he understood where i was cumming from and told me that "no one is erfect and every one does lose it from time to time. (everyone does it)" next on the list was the sports teacher. she runs the whole show and coordinates everything to do with sport for the school. i told her my side once again and the same response was given- "everyone has their moments where they snap...it's cool everyone does it" i got the answer from rebecca and flozz when i told them. i don't want to hear it. it's like they are pushing it off because it is the first time that i have done anything like that. i want sum one to tell me "you are a fucker for doing it"...maybe then my subconscious will kick in next time i start to slip over the edge. know that there will be repercussions of stupid actions. i have little or no respect for ppl that can't walk away from sumthing and just lose it and go bonkers and then after it say- "sorry i didn't mean it" getting off that for now, my ankle is fucked 2 ways from sunday. it's gone to the size of a tennis ball again. but fuck it. i'm going to play...i'm gunna strap the fucker tigh and put the pain to the back of my head. i haven't really told anyone it is that bad...and i've been putting ice on it every night....i need it right. i'm going to control myself from now on. once is enough for me to slip and fall. i'm going to take it easy, be cool headed from now on in...go back to the old me (x2). rebecca and me are officially over. it hurts. but it is for her and i'm more than happy to do it for her. she wants space and to be care free (with out a b/f) so i'm going to give her space. the sad thing is, she is pushing me away with out even knowing it. she is forgetting to tell me about parties over in nhill and then after them says- "you should have come" or before them she will say- "it's only for ppl they know"..then why does my other mates say they went and they didn't know the person?? but again, if thats what she wants, then i guess it is for the best. not that she was eva rite when it came to anything else (lol), but she is rite when it cums to her knwing what she wants. i'm just tired of fighting hard to keep her as a close friend. everytime i make another push to help her out the current gets stronger. she pushes me away sum way or another. i know she is going through a hard time, but as i always say- 1 death effects more than 1000 ppl. i'm getting effected by her because she is getting effected directly. it's wearing me down. i love her still. always will, but for now i am going to relax and let the current of her pushing me away take me out to sea. when she is ready she will start to rope me back in. i will always be there when she is ready. i've been talking to flozz more and more. she is a champion. no doubt. we are getting along really good, and even tho she gave me the same answers as the others about me and knobby...her listening and understanding blew the others out of the water. i really feel for the young lass. such a nice person shouldn't be getting ass fucked by her emotions like she is. no doubt it ties in with the death of her mother, but the problem at hand now is how to help her along and control her emotions. i want to help her cuz i like what i see in her. she complains to me that she is sad or angry most of the time, but ppl like that don't have a heart like her. their eyes aren't alive like hers. ppl that are fuckers to others have dead eyes. hers are as deep as the ocean. all she is going through now is a rough patch...i wanna help her out. i will update on thursday after we take the championship of soccer. lol