the last tennis practice was pretty cool. i made new friends and mingled. although i couldn't play well, i wasn't wretchedly horrible. i laughed a lot and it was actually pretty fun. i came back home pretty energized. so why the hell did today differ so greatly? well, sophay walked me halfway to the courts since she was going to plasencia anyways. & throughout practice, my coach was being an asshole towards me. and i had a lot of "ball-over-the-fence" moments. [which is usually rare with me but it happened so many times today!] and i know that i'm not being paranoid but he was actually hitting the ball really bad to me. and when i did well, he didn't say shit to me but when other girls did well, he was all praising them. and maybe it's because they're new, but he should've at least said something to me. sometimes when we're struggling, no matter the circumstances, we just need a little encouragement to get us moving along. & he always make me carry his bags & shit. and i think the thing that really ticked me off was when it was my turn for him to hit the ball to me and he paused and he was like, "did you guys know that kristina has been on the tennis team for 2 or 3 years??" and i was like, motherfucker. i know this is my 3rd season, i know i still suck but i also know that i've improved. and to be honest, i know i can do cross country and run and do way better than i do at tennis. but i'm not the type to give up on something just because i'm not good at it. and maybe he's like "aw shit, i have to carry her on the team again" but fuck him. i know he's probably thinking that i'm not worth the effort or time of day because in his eyes, i haven't improved a bit. i still suck. i'm not gonna ever be a venus or serena williams. and i don't know why i suck so much at practice because when i play w/ adley, i do just fine. but now that i'm typing this, i'm realizing that my coach heavily resembles my ex-boyfriend in the sense that they think i'm not worth the effort or time and they both give up on me. and i think i'm too tired of crying and too tired of dealing with shit to actually be depressed about this and crying. because it's the point where i get pissed off now. i hate dealing with people. i hate dreading school & having to put on an act and dealing with people. i think i shouldn't give up on things but sergio showed me that eventually you have to give up on things if it's not going anywhere. and now i'm questioning whether i should drop tennis. i don't know. i'm still deciding.