life feels a little heavy right now. it appears as if anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. i feel my eyes growing watery, yet my perseverance is forcing me to hold them back. i feel a distance growing between me and the whole world, especially peers. i guess it all has to do with me just becoming more conscious of social and economic injustices and wondering why the world continues living in such self-absorbed, egoistic lifestyles. and lately a lot of people have been doing things to me that make me question their friendship. well, not as much as make me question whether they're aware that i'm a human perfectly capable of having my feelings hurt by their careless words and ways. & in a way, i wished nothing happened between sergio & i. which sucks by the way, because i hate having regrets in my life. they're such an appalling waste of energy. but i think it needed to happen so i could see that things can never be the same between us. however, i always knew it wouldn't be the same. i should've resisted because doing that makes me think about it. and i don't want to waste brain activity about it, over him. all this right before leaving to college too... and talking to guys lately make me realize that i would never want to be with any of them. it's not a means of setting my standards high but actually, knowing what i want and finally, FINALLY, not settling for less. if i settle for less, it doesn't fulfill my needs (notice my diction: needs not wants) and result in a falling out in the end. i want a man who is socially conscious, intellectual, a non-conformist. someone who i can learn things from. a relationship where we can educate each other and grow together into two individuals that remain individuals, but are yet invisibly tied together with a strong, passionate bond. as important as passion is to me, i want a companionate love as well. i want him to be like a best friend and i want to laugh with him. i have to laugh with him because sense of humor captures my heart. i want a man who can walk out and take the world as it comes, without a plan. i want someone with an adventerous spirit as me. i want him to love me for me -- not for what i do, not for looks, sex or any of that. i just want to do it right this time.