Two years ago, you would've found me to be an amazingly happy and sociable person. You would see a smile on my face every minute. You would look at me and say, "She has such a positive energy around her." And your friends around you would nod and agree. But then you flash two years forward and you see the present, you see a girl that hardly smiles, and she isolates herself from everyone. She rushes everywhere, never taking the time to greet someone or enjoy life. Well this is me, and I'm about to tell my story about how I went from having almost everything to losing it all without realizing I had it all in the first place. Two years back, I had the bestest friends and I was always surrounded by them. I can still name them off the top of my head -- Leslie, Thalia, SolRuby, Stephanie -- the list goes on. I may not had the perfect boyfriend. That was the area I struggled the most in. But I had a guy who was into me and I felt the same way. It all got screwed up in the end but maybe that foreshadowed the screwed up life I would lead in the future. But aside from that, I had a 3.8 gpa, the most supportive and best friends, and the thing I should've value the most back then -- happiness. Sometimes, I look back and regret not cherishing the things I had. Because I snap back to reality and see that all that was gone. I'm stranded in high school where life appears to be opposite. My friends aren't there for me and every time I find the bestest friend, I end up losing them in the end. For instance, 9th grade year brought me Connie. She was fun and always there with me no matter what. She knew how I disliked being at home. She knew I always felt depressed and lonely. And she cared. But a phone call on August night ruined everything. I was ecstatic to go back for another year of high school but she simply stated she wasn't going back to school. I knew she was pregnant, but she wasn't planning on coming back. I remember crying and feeling so miserable. During 10th grade, I found somebody better than Connie, I found Tosin. At first, I disliked her -- annoying, always putting me down, loud, selfish. However, to avoid another loneliness crisis, I hanged out with her. She became more caring, more supportive and we became best friends. I cannot explain the way she impacted me. There were times when I was really depressed and no one could do anything, that is, except Tosin. She always cheered me up. Before the AP Exam, I was naseous and nervous but she made me laugh and I was pumped up for the test. When this one guy would flirt with me, she would just take a step back and when he left, she was all, "Go for him! Go for him!" In other words, she was the most supportive, caring friend and the only one who could cheer me up. The problem was, she's a senior. June came by and I remember the last day of school -- it was the same day as graduation so she wasn't there. I remember sulking around, crying my eyes out, being pissed off. My predicament is that during junior year, I'll find someone, lose them and the pattern will repeat the following year. So it's times like these when I question the existence of God. I realize that he puts us through test but isn't one enough? If He's really there, wouldn't he stop this? Wouldn't He realize that because of this, I've lost a lot of hope? In life and especially in myself. I can't help it, but I find myself becoming more introverted and keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. I realize that nothing could make me happy, because from my perspective, I will not find the great friends I had in middle school, I will not get a 3.8 gpa and be smart, I find guys immeasurable to the guys in middle school. Well, with an exception of one guy but that's a different story. It's not a potential hook-up as I can never see him that way. I've learned that guys are just jerks based on the experience I've encountered. People are telling me that this will be over, that I'll wake up from a nightmare, that someday -- I'll obtain that happiness and end up with a great guy. Trust me, I won't. That happiness has faded away and I can't remember how it feels to truely be happy anymore. And ending up with a great guy, I know I'll only screw it up. Throughout all this, I've told myself I always had Liz and Steph from middle school -- that they were my best friends. Liz was always there for me through 9th and 10th grade and I have a feeling that she'll be there for me for the next two years. That is, unless God decide to take her away like he took Tosin and Connie. But sometimes, it feels fake because she's not with me in high school, she can't help fight my battles. On Friday, a small thing that occured helped me realize why I started disliking Steph in middle school. Of all 100 bad times, she has only been there for me 9 of those times. I remember we were sitting in the classroom at USC, and I tried telling her about my guy situation. I started out by saying I don't Kaho anymore and she was like,"Who's that?" And then I told her more to jog her memory and she remembered but she didn't pay attention to the next thing I had to say. She just looked forward and didn't look like she was listening. And no one was like standing in front of the classroom lecturing. It's not like she had anything else to do. But I was there for her, every time she had to gush over a guy, every time she was pissed off, every time she had something to complain about. I wonder if it would kill her to at least pay attention to what I have to say for one minute? Although I complain about life a lot, I learned from my mistakes and I'm able to shed some light on some things I have today that I am grateful for. I'm thankful for the fact that I have good parents who do their best for me to succeed. I'm also glad I have siblings I get along with. My sister would stay up late at night and we would talk about anything. I'm glad I have my weird brother who brings out the child in me and makes me laugh. I'm glad that I have a home to live in and that I have AIM to escape from the home I live in sometimes. I'm grateful that I have friends in high school that I find enjoyable. I'm thankful for having the closure of my extended family and also within my nuclear family. I'm glad for the opportunities I have and for all the things I have that others would want to have. And last but definitely not least, I'm glad to have Liz and _______. (I do not wish to disclose his name) Because she's there for me and my truest friend and she cares, and he cheers me up.