i feel tired, just sitting here. waiting for people to slowly respond to instant messages. i know i have to go look over calculus homework and attempt to do as much as i possibly can. but i feel like it's such a drag and i don't want to do anything. i feel so drained out of energy. little things are going wrong in my life. makes me feel like life is going wrong in general. i'm getting fatter, i can feel it now. i can feel the unhealthiness it's causing too. it's utterly disgusting. i can't help it though, maybe i have a eating disorder. maybe i have no self-control. i need to start running! i feel demands from a certain someone, it makes me uncomfortable. i want to talk to him. why? i don't like him, i don't at all. maybe it's just a sense of attachment. i don't even feel happy talking to him really. he says the most rudest things sometimes, he doesn't watch what he says. every thought just flows out of his mouth. i feel like i'm in a rut right now. there's no progression in my life. i feel like the people around me don't comprehend what i am, what i want to do, and what i love. i realized today that it's hard to place me in a single category. i'm like either a mix of 2 things or just possesive of too many characteristics. i think that's a good thing though. why allow yourself to follow into a generic label? anarchists? demonstrators? democrats? emo? no, i think we seek conformity and a sense of belongingness so we try to fit into a single category. we try to conform with whomever associates within that category in order to feel as if we belong in something. there's something missing in my life. i don't know what it is. i wish i desperately knew. i doubt it's a boyfriend. or maybe it is. maybe it's someone who can allow me to be me, someone who can connect to me intellectually, emotionally, mentally and PHYSICALLY. our physical connection drives our body chemistry to want to be together. that's why some people can go on in emotionally/physically abusive relationship, it's the physical connection they may feel. well, i enjoy writing in here because they're like thoughts that never surface unless i begin typing in here. and i feel as if they're suppressed thoughts that just linger around or that i subconsciously hold back. and after an entry in here where i rant on, it's as if i cleanse myself. it's like my brain just had sex or something. and i miss how my brain would have sex everytime i talk to sergio. i wish we were friends, and we could talk about things like these -- all the time, whenever either of us feels the need to. oh i wish.