i feel: _upset _frustrated _disappointed in a way, i brought this all upon myself, for i should've known better than to expect him to be reliable. well he's reliable for one thing. if there's anyone i can count on to inflict sadness on me, he'll always be there to do so. i'm just so frustrated and i wanted to do the same thing, to hurt him before he could hurt me. but i stopped myself because i only have about a week left here and i figure time is valuable. besides, we only live once & i shouldn't be such a bitch. but look, i resisted hurting him only to be hurt by him. why is life like this? i guess this is what he wants in a sense. he doesn't want to be tied down. he wishes to do as he pleases, he values autonomy. and that's what he has and i guess seeing me today would've been a threat to that. nevertheless, i'm tired of this. i'm infuriated now. now, i just want my money back. he still owes me 20 buck. i wish i could get to him somehow. but i know i can't. the slightest upset i exhibit, he'll find a reason to just avoid me altogether. i can't fucking stand this anymore. i'm already exhausted from everyone and everything. i don't need his contribution to my misery.